we know nothing

8 - No home to go to

Daniel's POV

without the notion of time

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I felt like shit.

Everything was going so badly. And I also had to go to school. It was as if I had no solution. But there were too many to count. I didn't feel like my family was my family. They were just like masters. Like in a kingdom with a good prince of nothing.

But I was a servant.

It was a tangled feeling. Yes. I was entangled in my own life.

And I couldn't escape. Even if there is an escape.

I was just thinking about how embarrassed I would get home.

I thought I would get home without a soccer ball again, without perspiration. Without the game I had to win.

And I was going, and I was going. 

I was walking so slowly. so depraved by his own emotions. Because I told myself I had a good life. That others have it worse and that I am not allowed to complain.

But I was breaking down. Easy, but fast.

It was even worse to think why the hell my parents, or my masters, are so, but so cold.

I was so caught up in the situation. I forgot everything. But it was too hard to think of anything else.

I didn't want football. I didn't want to. Not at all. And my guitar was dusty in the room.

My guitar. 

I was actually afraid to get home. I was very scared of my father. And I was afraid my mother would just look at everything. And he won't do anything. Like always.

I was a prisoner in my own house. 

And yet all the time my masters were acting on me, with school, all in all, I was doing nothing but keeping quiet. 

Shut up.

I will never be like my parents. And yet I was as destroyed as they were. But on the outside we were a happy family.

Only on the outside.

Did I have a problem? Or was I really crazy? What the hell was I? Who was I? Why?

My head was exploding. Everything was exploding. And I was afraid there was nothing left of me. Or maybe it was even better without me. Maybe.

I was afraid that my life would end exactly as I did not want it to end. And that I won't have time to do anything else. That I will be left empty and I will look at my body that is standing still. And that I will have to scream.

Otherwise no one will hear me.

I was walking like a beggar. And I kept going around the torture site. My house.

It was much more painful to pretend what we are not. Because we really were nothing. Nothing in our lives made sense. Everything was very difficult.

And I was trying to take my mind off everything. And I wanted to scream.

The screaming was inevitable. It's just that my mind is stuck.

And everything was getting blacker and blacker.

Being normal is hard. Being used to it is hard.

And I got home.

And I lost everything.