to all my lovers

how things got worse

Thank god for the term break since I would have no idea what I would do if I were to see any one from school after whats just happend, it was sort of weird - it was bitter sweet.

He was now off doing what he had dreamt most of but we weren't doing it together.

Okay, I may have wished a little ahead of time since this winter break was the time to finally see my 'parents' after finding out my dad was in fact professor snape. I did want to see them since I had missed them so much but part of me was angry but I had no right to be. They took me in for my safety not out of selfish intent.

I also felt a sense of guilt for my real dad, I hadn't really made an effort with him since I had been busy with doing whatever I've been doing these past months.

Again I was angry he gave me up but he had no choice, he let go of his own daughter to the hands of those he disliked the most. He watched his daughter who unknowingly knew how much he loved her roam the halls with no knowledge of his blood relation to her. He watched her make false memories with people who weren't him, he watched her grow up happily without his presence.

He never got to see his child grow up and now I'm here in my dorm about to leave for 'home' without a goodbye.

I had to see him, I wanted to try and make an effort.

I didn't want to see anyone since I had just got back from diagon alley....talking to Fred. But I had to make a slight detour from the route to the train and head to sn- my dads.... office.

"Blue...." he was outside the door to his classroom shutting it ever so gently as he met eyes with me. He looked so guilty yet so heart warmed to see me. I felt the same way.

"Hi....dad"

I had never called him dad before, I had never really spoke with him alone before and my words made tears appear in his eyes. And I couldn't bear to watch, I pulled him into a great hug and with caution he slowly began to hug me back.

The world stopped as everything important seemed to fade, my emotions were all over the place. I was heartbroken over Fred, angry about my fake parents, upset about my dad and now I just wanted to let it all go. A small tear drew from both of our left cheeks.

He pulled away slightly to get a look of my face and held my head in his hands. And he pulled me back into a hug one last time before releasing me away.

The comfortable silence was warm, cosy.

"I...expect you are going home to...your..."

"Yes, I am"

"I was w-wondering whether you might want to, it's okay if not. Come visit me once?"

It took all his strength to pluck up the courage to ask that and I couldn't want anything more.

"I would love to dad"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The carriage corridor seemed longer than usual as I walked through trying to find Harry, I was of course last on the train as usual but everything I was feeling I didn't even seem to notice time passing me by. The whole thing appeared as a concept, a concept so pointless I wish it weren't real. A concept I cursed for not giving me and Fred more of.

As I went to slide open the carriage door a familiar set of footsteps caught my attention. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to take his ignorant stares or looks of disgust. He hadn't spoken to me still, it was five months now he had gone without a single interaction. But I didn't care anymore.