The Balotelli-Bale Series Book #3: The Italian Belle

Chapter 29: Misfortunes

Marianna's POV
I have come to the sad conclusion that no one wants us. Maybe I should talk about myself instead of including Nicko but it is what it is.

No one will give me a job because I'm not allowed to bring my son along.

It's clear I'll never find love because no one wants a woman with a kid. It's supposedly called baggage.

My parents have never looked for me. I just ceased to exist.

My own best friend has never made contact.

My so called friends -the ones I made while I was away from home- are a no show.

It feels like falling off the phase of the earth and no one has noticed. It's painful. It really hurts to be rejected over and over again and having to live with this hopelessness is driving me to the brink of madness.

I'm trying to tell myself that I'm a mom and i should be strong for my boy. I am trying to convince myself that the sun will shine tomorrow but it's still dark and I'm groping through the darkness blind. I don't know where I'm going or if I'm just going in circles living the same day on repeat.

I officially hate my life. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate what I have become. I hate everything.

"Mama." Nicko touched my face.

"Not now." I pushed him away gently.

"Mama!" He tried again.

I'm sure he's wondering what's up with me. I've been shut in my apartment for a period I can't recall. Maybe I'm depressed or I'm just really sad that a man I hoped would love me called me and my son baggage. I can't get that word out of my head.  BAGGAGE! It's ringing in my ears over and over again.

I faced the little boy who has changed my life. He's smiling today. Is it to cheer me up or mock me. I'll choose to be positive just about him. "Come here. I want to talk to you." He came to me. My little boy walked to me. When did he learn how to walk? Was it sometime after I phased out? Or is it something he just did? Either way, I pulled him to sit on my lap. He's a little stinky. I haven't been paying the usual keen attention. "I'm sorry I'm not strong Nickolas. I can't explain how I feel. I feel broken and hurt. I feel so alone. I want you to know it's not your fault. You didn't ask to be here. Still, here we are stuck with each other. Tell me baby, what should I do? Should I give you away to someone who will love you better and give you a comfortable life? Trust me I'm the last person you want to be with. I think it's time I find your grandmother Nicko. I think it's time I give you away."

He rested his head in my chest. He let out a deep sigh.

My tears soaked his hair. I kept kissing him over and over again sinking in the depth of my emotions. I just don't have the strength to raise him anymore. He also started crying. Maybe he's hungry, he has soiled himself too much or he feels sad that I'm sad.

"I'm sorry. I can't keep you anymore."

*
I managed to pull myself together. I cleaned myself up as well. What helped me get out of that pit is Court's voice. I imagined what she would say if she saw me in that state. I imagined how she would make fun of me for being weak. I got up and pulled myself together. Like she would say, I got my shit together.

I was about to leave with him when someone knocked the door. "Did you invite friends over when mommy was out of it?" I asked him. "Probably not."

I opened the door and it was a woman. I have never seen her before. She looked at me curiously and then at Nickolas. "May I help you?"

"Miss Marianna Balotelli?"

"Yes?"

"My name is Virginia Ross. I'm with child care services. Can I come in?"