One Shots part two | [Randy]

•My life in a few words•

• Andy •

Night time. Im laying in my bed, still looking straight into ceiling. I can't describe how I am feeling right now. Every single word is insufficient. If I could fly, probably I would fly at the end of the world. If I could draw, probably I would draw my sadness. If I could sing, probably I would sing only heartbreaking songs. 

Those sleepless nights are killing me. Taking the whole happiness and enjoy of living my life. It doesn't matter if it 3 a.m or 7 a.m. Or 6 p.m. In every part of my day I'm feeling useless, I know that nobody cares. 

Demons are behind the corner. They only waiting for my weakness which showing itself for all the time. Maybe it's time to live like that. I can't face with them, it's too hard, but I can feel their presence. Air smells different. 

In my mind resides fog. Fog which is made of strange thoughts, messing around with memories. How can a person become so weak in two years? I'm still asking myself. There's so much questions but nobody can answered me. They're saying 'You should know answers.' but how should I know when I even don't know who I am? 

Under my bed laying trash. My hand goes for this one thing. In unnatural position I'm reaching for notebook. Really, really nice notebook. Cover page is beautifully decorated with some stickers and weird drawings because like I said - I can't draw. 

Im taking the pen which is hanged on cover page and started writing. Bullshit. All my words are pretty bullshit but still mine. Nobody can take it from me. 

Wasting my time when it was always you, always you.. shouldn't never let you go.. 

Mums waking up at 6 a.m. Like always she will come to my room, check if I'm doing okay and go to work. In the same time I will wake up, heading towards to the bathroom. Pour some hot water to bathtub and burry myself in scented foam. 

My hair probably will be a mess, but it doesn't matter. I won't do nothing with my life till 2 p.m. I'll go to work, spend eight hours with people who I think I know but truth its different. I don't know nobody and nobody knows what is going in my head. How I'm struggling with myself to look normal, act normal, laugh normal. It's coming so easy to them, but not to me. 

Do you ever wonder how it is to pretend somebody that you actual not even are? No? I'm wondering every day. If I have to be honest this role-play is improving in my head and body from day to day. And it's seems to be good. 

I'll light up a cigarette after ended shift and go home. I have no appetite. I'm not eating regular from one month. There are positive effects. My belly is smaller, hip bones poking through worn-out jeans. Everybody telling me my face became slender than usual, I'm answering 'Stop saying bullshit, it just seems to you..' Not gonna lie - I'm happy. 

Im getting undressed. Staring in the mirror. It's not a reflect I remember. It's not real me. My spine showing every piece of it trough the thin skin. My body falls down effectively on bed, sheets cover my head. I'm crying. But I'm crying without tears. Screams tearing apart my soul, inside my body. It's painful. 

Im screaming. Momma running into my room. I'm calming her down, I hitted the bed and it hurts. Another lie on this day, I'm not counting them anymore. I don't have the strength, time or desire for it.

While taking my phone, some announcements popped up. Rye. 

He asking what I'm doing right now. Lying that nothing. I can't answer 'You know, just dying like always from some time.' 

'Can I come over?'

'Sure, if you want.' 

After 15 minutes he's standing in my doors, he's beautiful face is red and wet from tears. I'm tapping with my hand seat next to me, my arms are wide open. Without saying anything, he falls into my arms, crying harder. I feel him, I feel his tears soaking my body. I'm kissing him on the top of his head, asking who did this to him. 

He is saying Lorna broke up with him. 

If only you knew how much I could give you. I can replace that awful girl 200 percent. I can give you my whole heart, I don't need it. There are no feelings in it anyway, except infinite love for you. 

He lies down beside me, sighing heavily. I gently stroke his side, you can be safe with me. My naked, heated body presses against his back. He weaves our hands together, stroking the top of my palm with his thumb. 

This is the first time I've fallen asleep right after finishing work. At night my head is empty, clear. I dream nothing, you are driving away evil demons. Your tanned skin looks so beautiful in the sunshine. All bathed in gold. I can swear it's the best view I've had in several years, at exactly 8am. 

Please, stay with me forever. 

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Title: My life in a few words. 

Starring: Andy Fowler / Rye Beaumont 

Ngl tough topic. I wanna show you my life in a few words, maybe not everything is real, especially last part when Ryan came to Andy. I know that not many persons is reading it, so yeah, kinda diary for me. Don't take it personal, but it's personal af for me.