CHASING PAVEMENTS ⇒ wolfstar

TWELVE

There are a lot of things Sirius Black can stop himself from doing.

However, Sirius can't stop himself from fidgeting with the cuffs of his school shirt as he sits beside the medical bed in the medwing. He cant help but feel like he shouldn't here, not here with Remus or their daughter.

And he knows, he knows, that Remus wants him here, he had asked him to come, after all. But Sirius can't fight the feeling that is burning inside of him, like some kind of bonfire. He can't shake the thought that he doesn't belong on this jouyney with Remus and that everybody can see it.

There's an obvious tension between them, it was going to be there for a very long time and Sirius was afraid it would never leave them.

He can't rid himself of that feeling, that insecurity, that Remus is 'stuck' with him, in a sense. He got Remus pregnant, clearly Remus feels obliged to bring him along out. Sirius can't get away from the drowning sensation that Remus would've preferred any other boy to have fathered his baby.

"You okay? You're being really quiet," Remus turns his head to face him, pulling Sirius away from his wondering thoughts. His soft locks are placed gracefully against the pillow. His freckled face is laced with an unrecognizable expression.

"Uh yeah, yeah. 'Course I'm okay," Sirius stammers. He can't tell Remus how nervous he is, how anxiety is practically bubbling around him. "Just thinking," He assures Remus.

Remus nods. "Don't think so hard, you get that funny look on your face," He eases his mouth into a lazy grin.

Sirius chuckles. "Alright, I'm just a little nervous, kid, excited nervous," He elaborates. Despite the cold atmosphere, he could always tell Remus how he was feeling. They'd always had a deeper connection. Besides, even if Sirius didn't tell him; Remus could've probably guessed anyways if Sirius' zoning out was anything to go off of.

"Hey, don't be. There isn't anything to be nervous about. She's bigger this time though, you'll get to actually see her rather than just a little grey dot. I'm five months so she's a lot bigger now, she's growing and shit,"

Sirius nods, swallowing. "I know, it'll just make it a bit more real for me," I've never seen her before. He doesn't bother adding it, it's obvious. They both know it. He's never seen his daughter and it terrifies him because in four more months, she'll be here and god, he's late. He's so late to the whole pregnancy and it's slowly killing him. But he can't let Remus know that. Letting Remus know it would crush the other boy, Sirius knows he'd feel guilty.

Sirius can understand, can sympathize, with why Remus didn't tell him sooner. He thought Sirius was with Marlene. And if Sirius knew there were so much bigger things at hand, he would have never tried to grab Remus' attention by being 'with' her.

It was selfish and stupid and arrogant. He wanted Remus to talk to him. He wanted the other boy to notice that he was with somebody. Like some kind of lovesick fool. He is a lovesick fool.

"Sirius," Remus says slowly, softly, as his eyes meet Sirius'. "Are you sure you're alright with this? We don't have to see her today if it's freaking you out...." He trails.

"No, no, no," Sirius blurts. "Please. I want to see her, I do, I promise, kid," He reassures. "I'm sorry, Moony. I'm just in my head a bit lately, I'm sorry,"

"Don't apologize," Remus replies. "You don't have to apologize for that," He says gently.

Sirius half smiles. "Feels like all I'm doing lately is apologizing, eh?"