Dead To Me

Avonlea

I hear before i can open my eyes. I hear beeping, and quiet talking, and noises which i can't register.

Avonlea: Fred ?

My mouth is so dry, and my tongue clicks against the roof of it. But i immediately feel him by my side, holding my hand. I open my eyes. His hair is scruffy, like he's been running his hands through it constantly and hasn't showered, and i have to tear myself away from his tear stained eyes and cheeks to make sense of my surroundings. As i remember what happened, and realise i'm in a hospital, my hand shoots down to my stomach. there's no sharp pain, it just feels... strangely numb. Fred leans down and pulls down the blanket, and pulls up the gown i'm wearing, moving the bandages, to reveal a scar. I prop my head up to look at it, and he stops my hand from touching it, covering it back up.

Fred: it was an ectopic pregnancy... the eg- baby implanted itself outside the womb and... they had to remove it, for your safety, with Surgery. at-least i think that what the doctor said, i... i'm glad you're okay Avonlea.

I stare at him, as my hand travels down to my stomach. it's empty, i feel empty. and tears are forming in my eyes and dripping down my cheeks.

Avonlea: what did i do wrong ?

Immediately he's on the bed next to me

Fred: my darling this... you didn't do anything, you couldn't. It's... not possible to save.

Avon: i'm sorry

Fred: it's okay, it's not your fault

Avon: no... about... i didn't tell you, you didn't know, i knew before we started dating and i didn't tell you

Fred: it's okay sweetheart, it was weird when the doctor told me, but... i've had a couple days to get used to it and it's okay. i'm sorry too.

He smiles, and i smile back.

Fred: are you okay ?

Avon: Can i have some water ?

He smiles and nods, saying he'll be back in a second, before leaving the room.

And i go numb.

Then i go numb

I curl up and just feel the pain, the mental pain, of not having a baby in me. of feeling like the entire world has somehow shifted, and it's then, momentarily that i miss Draco, heart wrenching my, painfully miss him. Because i don't know if he's okay; because he doesn't know as far i know, and i didn't tell him. Because he should be here. And i'm thinking about his light blond hair, and his grey eyes, and the dark mark standing out against his incredibly pale skin. And i'm remembering all the thoughts of him holding the baby- our baby, smiling and laughing and kissing it's tiny nose, and it hurts too much. So i close my eyes. i close my eyes and try to sleep.