bucky barnes imagines

i. remembering

                                    (rewritten)
    fine line — harry styles

  You stare at your laptop, restless because of all the mission reports you've had to fill out.

  You contemplate going to Bucky's room, but you know you shouldn't. It's selfish. It'll only make him more on edge than he already is.

  You remember the overwhelming happinesses you felt when you heard that they had rescued Bucky from Hydra, and Steve would be bringing him back to the compound.

  When you saw him enter with Steve, you immediately ran to him. He didn't react. He actually pulled away, and you were left with an empty feeling that had now been pushed to the far back of your head.

  You honestly didn't know what to expect, and maybe you were just too overwhelmed by relief that you'd finally be getting him back which made you oblivious to what Hydra would really do to him.

   Bucky had lost most of his memories, and Hydra had brainwashed him. It had been over a month. Bucky still was jittery and nervous around you, like he was scared of something.

   You think maybe he doesn't remember you, and that scares you. Maybe he feels as if he can't love anymore after what he's done.

   Whenever he sees you he gets irritated and you can tell he's uneasy. You still find him at night to say goodnight to him, because It's the only way you can sleep.

  You get up from the desk. Might as well.
You walk over to the elevator on your floor. Your breath hitches a little. It always does.

  When the elevator door opens, you walk to his room. Bucky is standing up in front of his desk, shuffling through some papers.

  "Hey," you murmur. He looks up from his papers and watches you. The same expression as always. You can't read it clearly, but his eyes always speak the most.

   "I came to say goodnight," you say.

   He doesn't say anything, and you know you shouldn't hope for anything else, so you start to leave. You're not hopeless yet though. One day.

    "Wait."

     You almost whip your head in his direction. But you don't. You keep looking forward. "What?" You say, it's a barley a whisper.

     You can hear his shuffling feet as he comes up behind you.

     You turn around to his pained expression as his
hand comes up, and you flinch a little at the action, it was unexpected. His brows furrow at your reaction and he immediately puts his hand down.

   You shake your head, cursing yourself for the flinch, and take his hand, pressing it to your cheek.

   "Y/n?" your name is a whisper on Bucky's lips, his eyes starting to line with silver.

    "I'm so sorry, I'm," he searches for the right words, his pained look breaking your heart a little more every time you see it.

   You don't know what to do. You start to cry. Soon it becomes sobs, and you can feel him pulling you to his chest hesitatingly, as if he thinks he's going to hurt you.

  "I'm so sorry," He whispers as his shirt becomes damp with your tears. He apologizes over and over. "Stop it Bucky. Stop saying that," you choke out.

    He pulls away and cups your face in his hands. He wipes your tears away gently. You look up into his eyes. He's crying too.

   "I owe you an explanation. About how i've been behaving these past few months," he says, brushing away the fallen hair that had snuck out over your face.

    You nod, holding the hands that are cupping your face. "Come," he says and leads you to his bed. He sits down and pats the spot next to him.

   You take his hand in reassurance, knotting your fingers together.

    "I know you told me to stop, but i'm sorry. I'm so sorry y/n, for ignoring and acting like that. I should've told you how I was feeling."

    "When they first started the electroconvulsive therapy to get answers out of me, it worked. I told them a lot. I struggled but I put off the subject of you for long, until I couldn't take it anymore."

    You squeezed his arm in comfort, a lump forming in your throat.

    "Once they found out just how close we were, they used it against me. They'd threaten me with your safety, and I was too scared to contemplate if they were just taunting me or they actually had you. I lost all common sense."

    "It started with dreams about them hurting you, but then it turned into me being the one doing it to you. I was, it was me doing—" Bucky stopped himself,  looking down at your entwined hands and squeezing his eyes shut for a moment.

   "It went on and on and on. And then when I saw you here when I came back, I was overwhelmed with guilt. I was so relieved to see that you were okay, but I just couldn't. I thought maybe something inside of me would snap and all those nightmares would come true."

   "And so I was stupid and didn't think to consider the confusion you would feel." He looks up from your hands and looks at you longingly. "I missed you."

   You didn't realize you were crying again as Bucky wiped a tear from your cheek. "And you don't have to forgive me yet, I know it's a lot—"

   You shushed him with your fingers over his mouth. "It's okay Bucky, I understand and I just want to get past this," you honestly didn't even consider taking some time to "forgive him" you had already lost him for long enough.

    "Because I missed you too. A lot, actually," your voice wavers a little, and Bucky takes your forearm and pulls you onto his lap. He holds you, and you let him.

    He rubs comforting strokes down your back, and you stay like that for a while. You both deserve it.

  At one point you pull away to make him make a promise. "Promise me I won't lose you again?"

   "I promise, y/n," Bucky had replied back softly.

   That was when you pulled him in for a kiss, one hand on his jaw and the other on his chest. He kissed you back, and it was like it spoke more than words ever could.

   It felt like the both of yours first kiss all over again, and you could feel him smiling against your lips every now and then.