bucky barnes imagines

xix. with my life

                           killer — pheobe bridgers

    Someone knocked on your apartment door, and you glanced at the time to realize it was quite late for someone to be here. You peaked through the hole to see who it was, and when you realized it was Bucky, you let him in.

    He walked in, his face almost unreadable, nervous, maybe? "You okay?" you asked, going back over to the kitchen where you were making your coffee, as he sat on one of the chairs surrounding the island.

    He rubbed a hand over his face, "fine, just came to ask..." he furrowed his brows, "something."

    You shot him a confused look and offered him  coffee while pouring milk in yours. "No, i'm good," he said, but then shot you a confused look back, "you know it's like quarter to eleven right?"

    "I can't sleep either way," you replied, coming over to sit beside him while blowing the steaming drink.

     You looked at him, waiting for the answer to your question you asked a few seconds ago. "I have another session tomorrow, around lunchtime," he finally said, eyes worried.

    You realized he was referring to his therapy, which he'd started a couple weeks ago. "Okay," you muttered, setting the mug down.

    "And... I've been having a hard time talking. She asks all these questions and tells me the safe space bullshit," he sighed, "and I know she's just doing her job, and I don't blame her. I want to get better. I do, but it's so hard."

    You looked at him with eyes filled with sorrow, "I'm sure it'll come eventually, and you shouldn't feel obligated to speak," you replied, still waiting for what he was getting at.

    "I know, but the other week she asked me if I had anyone I really trusted. That I felt like I could say anything to," Bucky said, playing at the stubble now growing across his chin.

    "I told her it was you, because it's true." Now he looked worried, and you knew that when he first walked in he was in fact nervous.

    "And she said that I should come to one of the sessions with you, because then it might help me to finally get things out."

   "Bucky," you shook your head, "of course I'll come," you were upset that he thought you would decline.

    He looked up, "Thank you," he said, "It isn't for long, and you don't have to do anything, being there is enough."

   You smiled, "of course, just send me the place and time and i'll be there."

   "I'll pick you up, it's no trouble," he replied. "Okay, i'll be ready," you said, and gave him a reassuring smile.

   "Okay then, i'm gonna get going, i'll leave you and your caffeine you're drinking at," he looked at his watch, "eleven," he said playfully.

   "Whatever Barnes," you said as you followed him to the door. When he opened the door to leave, you stopped him.

    "Also, you shouldn't have been nervous about asking me about it, i'm glad you can trust me."

   He smiled, eyes softening. He nodded before kissing your cheek lightly, "goodnight," he said, and you replied the same.

                               •               •                • 

     Bucky had picked you up before twelve, and now the two of you sat in the quiet waiting room.

    You saw his foot repeatedly tapping on the floor, "you get nervous before?" you asked. "A little bit. I'm afraid of saying too much."

    "I don't think there's ever a too much Bucky, this is where you get to say everything," you murmured, as the door to his therapist's, Dr. Raynor, office opened.

    She motioned you guys in and as you got seated, she asked, "This is y/n?"

    "Yes, I asked her to come... finally," his mouth formed a nervous smile.

    "You trust her?" she asked softly. "With my life," he replied, and you exhaled a breath, swallowing at the words because shedding a tear now would not be the time.

   "So, the nightmares," Dr. Raynor started, putting away a notebook. Bucky took in a breath. "Not many," he got out.

    She looked at him, and he struggled to look back. You noticed his hand had started shaking, so you took it in yours.

    "There was one last night," he started. "I was at one of the hydra facilities, and they were doing the conditioning. It was after I saw Steve on the bridge."

     He choked out his best friends name, and you squeezed his hand in reassurance. He continued again.

                              •                •                •

   After the session, when the two of you were in the car, you watched out the window and cursed whatever and whoever had allowed the things that Bucky had gone through to happen.

   You cursed because when you were sitting through the session, listening to him speak and say everything he sees, hears and thinks because of the trauma he had gone through, your heart broke and physically hurt.

    You thought about how it would feel to be rid of everything you've ever known and experienced against your will.

   And then be forced to move on, and get better. And still be so tender and so kind. Still be so caring and selfless.

    You watched Bucky as he drove, staying strong because the last thing you wanted was for him to see you cry and assume he was the cause of it.

   He looked back at you when you stopped at a red light. "What is it?" he asked.

   "Nothing," you said, smiling. "Just grateful."

  
                         •                   •                  •

authors note!!
wow, i've been on a sad imagine train. it's because i'm listing to pheobe and taylor while writing them, which is definitely one of the causes. i also didn't really read through this one, so hopefully there's not much mistakes. anyways, hope u guys will like it!