Random shit I feel like saying

Ptsd and my triggers as well as random thoughts

In my first relationship it was extremely abusive. At one point in time I was questioning my gender. To that I got the response "if you're transgender, i'm going to kill myself". In my last relationship which was arguably worse than my first i've had similar things said about the body modifications I want to get. When I hear things like that or things that are like "If you do [blank] ill break up with you" it sorta triggers me. It hurts my feelings and reminds me about the hurtful things people did when they said they loved me.  I understand my response of "okay" isn't what anyone would want to hear after saying something like that. I understands that it hurts more than just me in a relationship. 

In the hypothetical world where splicing is available like in batman beyond season 2 episode 1 I would totally get spliced. I view it as another body modification. Id most likely get it in order to change my appearance into something ive always wanted to be. For example id want fangs and longer ears, maybe a different eye colour. These are all things ive wanted my whole life and if it was made easily available with an ejection if i got spliced then i would totally do it. It would be like any-other body modification i plan on getting or i've already got. It's a way to change my body to show others how i view myself.

You can argue that if one were to get spliced it would be at least some form of beastiality because your partner is now part animal. I disagree. I believe that due to most of the person having human dna and having intelligence and the ability to consent doesn't make it beastiality. This is just however my opinion and i don't speak for everyone. You're more than welcome to disagree.

If someone says "if you get spliced, ill break up with you" my response of okay would of course hurt me because i feel you care less of me, but it would also hurt my partner in the sense they think id rather do something stupid than love them (which is wrong). All parties in talk like this are effected and often hurt. That's why I hate when people talk like that. That's why it triggers me.

If we have different morals and you don't want to be with me for that that's fine. I get that 100%. I don't want to be with someone who has different morals than myself either. It makes the relation ship super difficult if you chose to continue, and trying to continue it makes more tension after a break up. Its never easy to get along with someone that has different morals than you. If anyone is with me and they have different morals id want them to break up with me. Then that can find someone better suited to be with them. Of course it would be painful for both parties but it's probably what's best in the long run. 


Now moving onto topic two which i feel like adding here because i don't want to make another chapter just for my views on abortion.

If i were to ever get pregnant im not sure who i would tell first. I feel like if i really trusted my partner i would tell them first but it would be scary for me. Id have to ask them not to tell anyone though because i wouldn't want there being any possibility of my mom finding out.......... because if i were pregnant id get an abortion as soon as i could.

My mom says she's pro choice but ive had this discussion with her. My mom is pro choice as long as she doesn't know the person. If its one of her own daughters shed want them to have the baby. Even if they cant raise them mom would want them to have the child then she would adopt and raise them.  Ive always had an intense fear of having children and childbirth and pregnancy. I most likely due to my bloodline will have trouble carrying children. If im pregnant and i decide to carry out the pregnancy and i end up having a miscarrage ill be fucked up. That's not something you easily heal from. I dont want to feel that pain. i feel like ive been through enough emotional baggage? Not to mention that most women's bodied dont return to how they were before a pregnancy. I'm finally in a comfortable spot with how i look why would i risk changing that? Science shows that the pain felt during labor is equivalent to breaking all the bones in your body at once. Ive never broken a bone and im extremely scared of pain. I think id rather die than go through labor. If i ever get pregnant (which is extremely unlikely because i plan on never having sex again) id want to have an abortion. Its just a bundle of cells in my uterus. It's no more likely to live than before. Id want it removed. Id rather regret not having a child than be the minority of people who do regret having a child.

I think abortions should be legal. regardless of laws, women who have decided on getting one will get one. Id rather they be in a safe environment and the abortion done carefully by a professional than be attempting it at home or some sketchy place with god knows who. 

anyway that's the end of my shpeel. im ganna go read or sleep or something i dunno. maybe ill write some more later about other random thoughts ive had.

-ben