Random shit I feel like saying

Struggles of being grey-ace

So I haven't posted on here in a long time and i havent felt the need to but today I need a journal and just something to write down and get my emotions out there but i just dont have an actual physical journal. Recently ive discovered i think im grey ace. i can feel sexual attraction, and i desire sexual pleasure but i dont desire a sexual relationship. My whole life ive never wanted sex. i've always dreaded sex (even after i technically had it). I like to masterbate and that stuff thats fine that feels good, but i dont ever want to have sex. I was celibate all the way until my rape. Before then i used to view it as if my partner really needs it ill pay for a prostitute or they can go to someone else for sex. Now i think id be okay with it if i trust the person a lot and we have a strong emotional connection. anyway

last night i was debating weather or not to tell my VERY asexual (sex repulsed) boyfriend i thought i might be grey sexual instead of asexual. my friends told me to wait until im absolutely sure and honestly im still not if i am. what even is sexual attraction? anyway so i sent a vague message to my boyfriend about the fact i might have news that he might be upset about.  anyway it was stupid i know and i ended up waking him up and giving him a panic attack.

there was no avoiding it at this point and i explained that i just thought im grey-ace and i thought hed be upset because then he wont understand me as much.  i dunno my train of thought is odd disarrayed and confusing.  

I guess i just want someone to understand me. I want to know theres people out there who have the same thoughts as me? 

Im kinky in my head i think about being tied up and stabbed with needles while being teased sexually but on the outside even just someone seeing me naked is such an intense fear it brings me to tears at times. I have a strong fear and hate for sex and the fear isnt even why i dislike it i fear it because i dislike it. I honestly dont want sex yet its interesting to me. i have an odd fasination with it.
I watch hentai and draw hentai because 1.its fun 2. although genitals are disgusting the human body has an odd beauty about it even with genitals. and 3.its interesting to see something that makes other people want it yet doesnt make me?

For example: PENISES AND VAGINAS ARE THE MOST DISGUSTING LOOKING THINGS EVER 
but seeing them turns some people on. I like drawing porn because i show that even the disgusting parts on the human body are oddly beautiful? as well as the fact people like porn its a good way to keep interest of others. 

ANYWAY BACK TO TOPIC

my boyfriend assured me that its fine and he doesnt care. he knows i dont want sex and thats great, but i still feel like im letting him down. I geuss its something ive never thought about but he said he doesnt understand me. I get how he doesnt and i get im verry contradictory to my own thoughts and lots of people also dont understand me, yet hearing him say that somehow hurt. I guess when i was identifying as ace i assumed he understood me even though i had different views than him on some things, but im not sure. for some reason it just hurt to hear. 

I just feel like lately ive been a bad boyfriend. I caused 'A' (thats what imma call him anonymously)  to have a panic attack.  then i gave him the news about me being grey and although he says its not a problem i still cant feel hes upset. then i slept all day so we didnt really talk at all. then i accidentally got confused and i forgot one of the comicbooks he always tells me about because he told me the movie stuff then said to read the comic so i asked what the comic was but thats what he tells be about all the time. idk im just bad at this and i feel so stupid hes so smart and he knows so much about comics and its so hard to keep up and just i dont know. asdfghjkqwertyuiozxcvbnm 

I just love him so much but yeah. this morning i wrote "he loves you" on my wrist to remind me that he does still love me even when it feels like i disappoint him. It worked for most of the day but now i know it but i dont feel it y'know. I just wish i could give him everything. he makes me so fucking happy and i dont know what to do. i just want to make him happy.

since hes probably going to read this: liebling, im sorry. I love you.

i dont know what to write now. i feel like in words i got it all down but im not sure if i got it all out. maybe my anxietys just getting worse with stress lately and its nothing. im over thinking. goodnight.

-bennett