Random shit I feel like saying

Jobs and Drugs

I'm typing this because I dont want to grab my actual journal at the moment. Today felt like the first decent day in a while if im being honest. I cleaned my room and drew a bit while my boyfriend was at work. Mum randomly told me though this morning a whole bunch of things to do and I didn't do them. I figured i can tomorrow. I did some of them while cleaning my room but now shes giving me trouble for not doing the kitty litter and flipped out at me. she doesnt usually do that and the litters werent actually that bad so i dont know why its such a big deal.

I just havent felt much reasons to live lately. in highschool it was always "just until next year" then college was "just until i finish this corse" after dad died it was "I cant do that to everyone" and "i gatta take care of the pets" lately i dont even feel that way about the pets because i know theyll be cared for. The only reason now has been "I cant do that to him". My boyfriend has been literally the only thing holding me together. Sometimes i wished i hadnt asked him out because if i did anything it would be fine.

A few days ago it even got so bad i was thinking about looking up how much prozac it takes to od. My suicidal thoughts have never gotten this far before.

It's been over a year since ive had a job and No matter where i apply lately I cant seem to get one. I just feel like a burden on everyone. I was so happy for lupercalia this morning. o waas thinking about dressing up the day of and making sure i eat a lot and enjoy some time to myself and celibrate my favourite tenet but now i dont think ill be able to celibrate at all. How do you celibrate a holiday about self love if you hate yourself? I just feel worthless. I went through all my savings so i cant even hold my own in the house let alone help out, i've been too depressed to even shower regularly let alone do chores. Practically the only time i eat is when my boyfriend reminds me to. I'm just a burden financially. Things would be better off without me.

I wish I could see my boyfriend in person. I just want him to hold me tight. I miss him so much and i feel so scared im ganna worry him with this. I just need to get it out right now. I dont know what else to do. I want to imagine a future together but i dont see myself even having any sort of future lately. I dont know how people do this. Im too scared to even talk to him on the phone rn because my mom will hear me from the other room and get mad at me for crying. 

Maybe i'll just try selling all my stuff on ebay. i dunno. I'm sorry if youre reading this. please dont be worried. and im sorry. now thinking about it it sounds kinda minipulative to say all i have is you. but i do have you ad im thankful for that.

im sorry
so sorry