Random shit I feel like saying

this is harder than expected

Me and 'A' made up yesterday. He ended up reading what I wrote and we talked and the night got better. Today started so great. Today I got most of my chores done and me and A were talking for a lot and having a good time together. He had to leave the video call for his online classes which is fine whatever. I worked and stuff while he was in class and then the fire alarm went off twice tonight. Because of the fire alarm and the fire department comming to my apartment building we havent been able to talk much. We started talking about musicals and I started talking about wicked because i like it. It's something i like j can relate to elphaba. I was bullied a lot in school and I share a lot of the same political views as her. I just missed him a lot today and just idk. He started to seem really mad that I wouldnt shut up about wicked and let him watch his show. He called it a fanfic but the way he said it made it seem like it shouldnt be considered as a good book because of it so I gave some examples of classical literature that are also fanfics.

Now hes going to dinner and hes mad at me because he thinks I'm mad and I just really missed him and I wanted to talk about something I'm passionate about. I feel bad because hes upset and thinks I'm talking to him like I think hes an idiot and I dont. I just miss him and want to show him why I like it and why its complex and good idk. It's practically time for bed and j havent talked to him on the phone since 11.  After dinner hes watching a long movie so I cant talk to him after hes fine eating and try and clear things up and I just feel bad. I dont want to make him upset and j just wanna say I'm sorry and j miss him. I just wanna call.
I think I'll just go to bed.

I also think I'm having an anxiety attack because this is the third day of my anxiety being bad and causing me to have panic attacks over nothing. I feel like shit. Should I start taking doubles of my meds? I dunno what to do. I just wanna be happy and stay happy for at least a full day.

I feel pathetic. I'm sorry if you're reading this A. I love you. Sweet dreams.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my brains fucked
I'm sorry I'm pathetic.
I'm sorry I made you feel like I was talking to you like an idiot
I'm sorry you decided to date me
I'm sorry I'm a bad boyfriend
I'm sorry my anxietys so bad for no reason
I'm sorry small things secretly make me panic
I'm sorry I cant make you happy like you make me
I'm sorry I'm not as smart as you
I'm sorry I have different interests
I'm sorry I'm getting snot and tears all over your sweater.
I'm sorry you're saying sorry to me when you dont have to