Everything or Nothing
CatacylsmicEvents
Chapter 19: this is me trying
Notes:
you can find me on twitter at @cataclysmiceve1
content warnings: discussions of past self harm, difficult parental relationships, descriptions of past child abuse
"Okay, so I guess I'm starting to see your point."
Dazai opens therapy up the next week with that salvo, and Fukuzawa raises an eyebrow. "I make a lot of points."
"I guess walking in on my Dad that one time might have warped me a little." Dazai sighs, crossing his arms over his chest.
"...I'm interested to see how you came to that conclusion," Fukuzawa sits back, and Dazai sighs.
"So, Chuuya and I were going at it a week ago—" if there's anything Dazai doesn't mind explaining to his therapist, it's his sex life. Honestly, it's easier to talk about that than half of the other shit that comes up during their sessions, "And it was a little rougher than usual…”
His therapist has a feeling he'll regret asking, but professional obligation mandates, "Rougher?"
"It's the first time I've tied him up, really." Dazai explains offhandedly, "Nothing crazy, just his wrists."
Fukuzawa is always a little startled by just how far an eighteen year old has ventured in the world of fetish to be able to shrug it off, like 'Oh, it was just some light bondage,' but he gestures for Dazai to continue.
"Anyway, we're going at it, and I'm pushing him—telling him to be quiet when I know he's not going to be quiet, then needling him about it—and out of nowhere," Dazai takes a deep breath, "he calls me Daddy."
Fukuzawa's pen pauses over his notebook. "I see."
"And I..." Dazai sighs, his head dropping against the back of his chair. "I got really turned on."
Fukuzawa shrugs, setting his pencil down. "That could be related to your difficulties with your father, but it's a fairly common fetish."
Dazai shrugs, picking at the fabric on the arm of his chair. "So, it doesn't mean I have some weird subconscious Oedipal complex?"
"No," Fukuzawa snorts, shaking his head, "I wouldn't say that you do." He taps his pen against paper, and he adds, "Do you know anything about Chuuya's relationship with his father?"
Dazai thinks it over. "They're close—he's never said anything that bad about him, but..." Dazai rubs his chin, "Chuuya's implied that he's pretty overprotective."
"There's some truth to the fact that children internalize the behaviors of their parents, particularly during the stages when they're learning about interpersonal, sometimes intimate relationships." Dazai sends him a questioning look, and Fukuzawa expands, "Growing up with a strict father figure—it can sometimes lead to that sort of inclination."
"So..." Dazai tilts his head. "It's more about him than it is about me?"
"I think it's about both of you." Fukuzawa shrugs, "But if you're not questioning Chuuya's state of mind for saying it, why question your own for enjoying it?"
He has a point there.
Dazai nods with a heavy sigh, feeling very relieved about that, and his therapist presses on, "Have you spoken to your father recently?"
Dazai makes a face, but he nods. "I didn't reach out, he called me first—set me up to go on a date with some heiress."
"You don't sound like you wanted to go."
"Of course I didn't," Dazai grumbles.
"Did you tell him that?"
"There wouldn't have been much of a point," Dazai taps his foot. "The last time I tried to tell him I might be interested in a guy, he basically told me I was too much of a slut to be bisexual and that I was attempting to use coming out as a method of psychological torture."
