The movement in my right leg had officially become un-usable and my left wasn't much help either. What's worse than that is something unexpected had happened in the last couple of weeks. My eye sight had began to fade. The doctor said this can happen if the tumor grows too much and presses down on the brain tissue, causing difficulty with vision. It's not that I couldn't see anything at all, but more like someone had put the world in black and white, and to top it off decided to add a blur filter to it. I asked the doctor to keep the vision thing to himself, I didn't need anyone feeling more sorry for me than they already did.
Mom and the doctor stepped into my room along with me in my wheelchair before helping me up onto the bed, I told them I had something to say as soon as chemo had ended. I planned to do this with just mom first, but I had no idea what her reaction would be and in all honesty I was too scared of her having another breakdown, at least with the doctor there she'll somewhat try to understand.
"I already know that what I'm going to say is selfish, but I want to stop. I hate chemo, i'm always nauseous and light headed, I cant walk, I can barely remember who any one is half the time, and on top of that i'm hooked up to a drip almost everyday and can barely lift a finger after it. I want to stop chemo."
It took a while to get out due to the shortness of breath I had recently been experiencing, but the silence afterwards was even longer. The doctor told me if I wanted to stop then he would listen, in fact he said it was somewhat common for people who have been given a short life span to want to stop their medication, they just want to live an okay life in the short time they had left. Mom still wasn't saying anything, I knew she was upset, probably even frustrated, but she eventually took her tear stained face away from her hands and nodded.
"If that's really what you want, then that's what will happen." They both left to go and discuss when my final treatment would be and what pain killers they can subscribe me instead of all the pills. As soon as they left I felt the tears dribble down my cheeks uncontrollably, sometimes it doesn't feel like i'm sick, more like i'm having a nightmare and all I need is for someone to pinch me . This makes reality harder, i't wasn't a dream, I was a half paralyzed cancer patient who had trouble doing basically everything, even talking was becoming difficult. And worst of all, I was incurable.
Kenma came in at his usual time after school, he dropped his bags immediately and hurried over to me. It's nothing knew, he's seen me cry a couple of times now, and each time he'd embrace me into his warm body and not say a thing.
I listened to his heartbeat drum inside his chest, it was so strong yet calming at the same time, reassuring me that he was still here and wouldn't leave. On my bad days i'd often repent ever talking to him, he now wasted his time coming to see his sick friend each day, and with out hope of him getting better, I often imagined what it would be like if I was in his position, but it would be too painful to imagine Kenma as the sick one. So how the hell did he feel?
As if he could hear my thoughts, he cupped my face and squished my cheeks together, staring at me for a second before shaking his head. Funny isn't it? How all the bad thoughts could melt away with just that, that one piece of reassurance was all it took to make me smile again.
"Ah that's right, I came to tell you something. There's a firework display next Friday, we can watch it from your window as its close by"
A firework display? Oh right it was bonfire night soon, it completely crossed my mind. Kenma and I had briefly spoken about it before I was admitted to the hospital, we planned to watch it together on the roof of the school even though you weren't allowed up there.
"Lets watch it from the roof"
"The school roof? Are you crazy!" I huffed in annoyance despite knowing what the answer would be, it was hard enough to sneak up there on two feet, how would Kenma get both himself and a person in a wheelchair up there. Come on Kuroo that was dumb.
"How about the hospital roof?"
The hospital roof was shut at night for obvious reasons, but I knew a way to get there without anyone knowing. I often got bored in my first couple weeks of being here, so I went to explore the place and landed on an old lift that went all the way to the roof (I also found a broken vending machine that provided me with snacks for 5 days straight.)
Kenma was still pretty hesitant at this and insisted I needed to stay in my room where it was warm since my temperature kept dropping, but after a lot of pleading and ordering of scarfs from amazon, he agreed.
YOU ARE READING
Life Goes On
Fanfiction"It may not have been said by someone famous, and maybe no one will feel comforted by it. But the only person I need it to comfort is standing right next to me"
