3 (jaylor) perpetual darkness and stolen sequin smiles

chapter eleven.

Even though Patrick talked the entire way to the airport, practically the entire flight... when he wasn't sleeping, and all the way back to Joe's apartment - he was glad that he wasn't alone. He was tired of being alone.
"Do you think we'll run into any other celebrities?" Patrick asked as they pulled up outside Joe's apartment. "Do you live close to any?"
Joe sighed. He knew who he lived reasonably close to, but for all it mattered, it could be thousands of miles away. He was never going to meet her. They'd never just casually bump into each other in the street. Joe didn't even think Taylor went out in public like that. He didn't know whether it was weird... that he'd started calling her by her first name. As if he knew her. As if they were close friends. He was always thinking about her. He was always wondering what she was doing - wondering what romantic things she was doing with Adam.
"A couple," Joe said as he got out of the car. "And no, I cannot go around introducing you to them all."
He knew that was going to be Patrick's next question, so he answered it before Pat had the chance to ask.
"Who?" Patrick asked as they pulled their suitcases out of the car.
"Does it matter?" Joe sighed as they got into the elevator.
"It most definitely does?! I mean, come on Joe, I have to know how good I have to look when I'm walking about... in the off chance that I actually see them!" Patrick laughed as Joe pressed the elevator buttons. "Because if they're like... huge celebrities then I'm going to have to wear nice clothes all the time. But if they're... not that famous then I'll be happy to walk around in jeans and a T-shirt."
Joe rolled his eyes. He wondered if Patrick ever got tired of talking. Unlike himself, Patrick always seemed to be ahead of the game. Patrick always seemed to know what he was doing with his life, know who he was. Patrick didn't seem to care about what other people said - and Joe envied that. He envied the fact that Patrick always fit in. Everywhere he went, he seemed to be able to portray himself in exactly the way he needed too. Joe wished he could be like that. Patrick was all right, in all the places Joe was just... wrong. Patrick was outgoing and a fun person to be around, Joe was quiet and didn't overly like being the life of the party. Patrick was just... better. In all forms of life. Joe still hadn't forgotten the people in high school that had constantly asked him why he wasn't more like his younger, fun, outgoing brother. While Patrick was sitting in his crowd of eighteen friends, Joe had his head down writing poetry in a quiet corner of the room, trying to pretend he didn't exist. He realised that he spent most of his life trying to fade into the background. He spent most of the time running from the spotlight, from everything. Perhaps that's why he felt so out of place in New York. Perhaps that's why he felt like everyone fit into the city of dreams and he was left stranded outside. Because he didn't fit in. But Joe didn't feel like he fit in anywhere. He didn't fit in back in London... he didn't fit in here... would there ever be a place where he wouldn't feel like a stranger within his own home? He didn't know. He didn't know if he'd even make it to that point. He was feeling a little better... but he knew all too well, that would eventually come crashing down in front of him.
"Taylor Swift lives a couple of blocks away." He said softly. He loved the way that her name rolled off his tongue, loved the way that he didn't feel so alone when he thought of her. At least she seemed happy with Adam. At least she was happy.
"Have you ever-"
"You don't just see her walking about the streets, Pat." Joe chuckled as he unlocked the door. "She's busy. Much too busy for a stroll down the street."
"I reckon she would though." Joe thought she would too - perhaps if she didn't have her safety to worry about. He wondered if there would ever be a place where she could walk down the street, unaccompanied by security and without screaming fans behind her. Would she want that life? Would Adam be able to give her that life if she wanted it?
"Earth to Joe," Patrick waves a hand in front of his face. "Are you there?"
"Of course I'm here." Joe looked around his apartment, at the books littered around the room, at the thin layer of dust that was covering everything. He'd been gone too long, and he felt like a stranger inside his own house again. "What were you saying?"
"I can't believe that you've lived here this long and you haven't let me come here. This place is huge."
Joe laughed. "It's not that big, Pat. You should see some of the others a couple of blocks away - they're about four times as big as this." Patrick looked at him in disbelief. Joe had forgotten what it looked like - that feeling of amazement. He remembered so clearly how it felt to move away from home, to realise that the world was such a big place and he'd only known a tiny part of it. He'd forgotten that he looked like Patrick, once. When he still believed in the city of dreams, when he didn't fucking hate himself. "Anyway. I'll let you get unpacked in one of the spare rooms, I'm going to pop to the grocery store so that we have some food to eat."
Patrick nodded. "Which room is mine?"
"Any of them, there's three to choose from."
Joe loved seeing Patrick like this, and couldn't even believe that he'd once looked at these walls with that same expression on his face. It seemed like time had passed so quickly since then.