Tick Tock

Epilogue

When Kunikida-san returned I was broken and frantic. He woke Atsushi up for checking his temperature and giving him medicines. I felt the worst coming faster than anticipated. Even after the medicines, Atsushi complained of stomach pain and he was visibly breathless. And when he vomited his lunch out, he looked completely shattered. It seemed like a tug of war between life and death. Kyouka and Kunikida-san were different sorts of people, even in this peril, they knew how to act. Calling for an ambulance, contacting the doctor, comforting Atsushi, they did in such a rehearsed and prepared way, it was scary. In this situation, I felt helpless, utterly helpless.

I knew what was happening but I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to hold on to the time slipping through my hands like water, I wanted to hold on to Atsushi's life slipping through every breath. I wanted to run away into a future where Atsushi and I lived happily ever after.

The peace from that day's twilight was gone, the sunset was gone, the night had come. For the first time in my life, I felt scared of the night.

Reaching the hospital, admitting Atsushi in ICU; all of it was one huge hazy picture in my head. Kunikida-san stayed at the hospital and insisted that I and Kyouka return back. Kyouka protested a bit but eventually gave in, both of them were too tired to argue. When we reached home, Kyouka locked herself up in her room and I took a shower and sat down on the balcony with a bottle of Coke.

The night in Yokohama was busy, loud enough to shut my thoughts up on most days. But that it didn't work, I kept thinking about him. Every precious moment he had given me.

I thought about how the time he said the song Dancin by Aaron Smith was deeper than it seems. I thought about our first kiss on the banks of the Tsurumi river. I thought of how he always won the athletics medals in our school sports meet. I thought of those times when he dragged me into his Seasonal Great Haul in the shopping district.  I thought about the time we had a pillow fight and I ended up throwing him off the bed. His maddeningly pretty hairs, careful and loving hands, bright eyes, warm voice, his fulfilling presence, I thought about him till I broke down into tears.

The next day, wasn't any better. He was on multiple supports, and the doctors were trying. And the three people who loved him were breaking apart and waiting for defeat with tear-stained eyes. It was aching to look at Kunikida-san's determined eyes replaced with uncertain and broken ones.

Another day passed before all of us were allowed inside his ward. Before the nurse could say anything, we barged in. What we saw numbed us. It was Atsushi, lying on the bed, without any support, pale, his eyes closed, there was no movement in him whatsoever. His face seemed like paper in the glow of the setting sun. Almost as if he were sleeping. The first to react was Kyouka, she ran out of the room bawling her eyes out.

No, he was sleeping, right? We were called to meet him, right? He...no...

"Is he sleeping?" I croaked out. The nurse looked down, she looked like she was about to cry too.

"Oi, Atsushi, you are sleeping, right? Wake up idiot...look at me...please..." I broke at the last words and moved towards him. His angelic form.

I bent down over him and broke down. "Wake up...please. Idiot...you have so much left...wake up...no, Atsushi, you cannot leave me...." At that moment I couldn't accept it. There had to be a way...

"Akutagawa-kun...stop..." Kunikida-san's broken voice said, muffled cries were heard from him.

I pleaded between my cries until the nurse had to pry me off and lift Kunikida-san's crumbled form from the floor.

I don't remember how we found Kyouka and reached home. And when exactly Kouyou nee-san drove me back. The whole time I looked like a madman mumbling about how there had to be some way.

For two or three days I couldn't return back to sanity. I kept talking to myself, having mental breakdowns, mumbling his name, I was pathetic. Kouyou nee-san was with me the whole time, being a pillar for me to rest my body and soul on. Later, I got to know Yosano ane-san too helped the other family with their mental state. It was visibly heart-breaking for them to see the three broken souls. Souls punished by life, tested by fate.

On the day of his funeral, it sank in that Atsushi was dead. I was here and Atsushi was not. We could never meet again; we could not have a future together either. It sank in, that a presence I never thought would leave me was gone, and I didn't know what to do. He was in a casket, in eternal sleep and I was standing, here, in front of his sleeping form. I once read somewhere, 'It was funny. Humans felt most alive when they confirmed the death of another.'

For the first time, I understood what Atsushi meant when he said death is regretful. I regret not spending more time with him, I regret not getting in touch with him for the past few years, I regret telling him more about how much I love him. Indeed, death was regretful. I could not cry anymore, there were no tears left in me.

Funerals are morbid. It was cruel to watch a father bury his son, a sister mourning until her eyes were dry. It was cruel to see him gone forever. Today's sunset was darker than the others before as if the sky was bidding Nakajima Atsushi farewell too.

5 Years Later

It is May 5th today; I'm on my way to the Yokohama Foreign General Cemetery. I make it a point to visit Atsushi's grave every year on his birthday during the sunset. I have a small bouquet of white spider lilies with me, like every year.

When I reached there, I glanced at his tombstone which read, 'Here Lies Nakajima Atsushi, with Love, Joy and 30 Bowls of Chazuke'. I smiled, that was another last wish of his. The first few years after his death was horrific for me, I would throw temper tantrums, breakdown in the middle of the day. But, day by day, I learned to deal with the loss and overcome the grief. I understood that just like the sunset is a constant in my life, death for everyone. I kept the bouquet near the tombstone and sat down on the ground.

Kunikida-san and Kyouka visited in the morning, they too learned to deal with pain, and understand how pointless regret is, Atsushi never said it out loud, but we knew he wanted us to be happy, alive, and healthy, and we have to fulfill this wish of his too. I stayed in touch with them since, me, them, Kouyou nee-san, Yosano ane-san, we all had become a sort of like one big adoptive family. That reminded me, tonight we all meeting up. Meeting people had always been awkward for me and Kyouka, but, it's bearable, I guess.

Kyouka was in uni and I joined the country's intelligence department, which kept me busier than I liked sometimes. Yosano, Kouyou, Kunikida-san all were doing fine. Atsushi was still here, somewhere in our hearts, filling us with warmth and will and we lived on. I put on my earphones and played 'Dancin' this song reminds me of many golden memories in life, it reminds me of him. It feels deeper than it seemed.

It felt peaceful, it's always peaceful near Atsushi.

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A/N: I wrote this...let me know what you guys think. I do feel the ending was too rushed. Why did I do this...
Anyways thank you for reading it till here!