I'm A Walking Disaster (jalex)

Gave you my heart

Chapter Twenty

Title from Painting Flowers by All time low

"Good job, Jack" I heard as I walked into my room, Jack looked up at me and quickly looked down, playing with his hands. I noticed that he has eaten about half of his food, a sense of pride passed through me. Jack looked disgusted.
He refused eye contact with me as I walked through, smiling at Jacks nurse.

Eventually she left with Jacks tray, I looked down at the world through my window, noticing that it looked even better than usual.
"Do you want to come over here?" I asked Jack, he looked at me for a second before crawling out of his bed, and moving to mine, pushing himself to the window.
"Oli gets out tomorrow" I said simply, Jack met my eyes and nodded.

"They're thinking about letting you out" I said simply, Jack suddenly seemed very interested, he smiled a bit but also looked confused. I smiled and chuckled at his reaction "they're breaking the point system.. Dr.Mullins said that if you participate in two groups a day and eat half of your food, they'll probably let you out within two weeks" Jack put one of his hands over his mouth.

"Oh my god, I didn't think I would ever be let out" he whispered, his smile looked like it hurt.
"What about you? When will you be let out?" He asked, I shrugged, instantly his smile faltered.
Why was it so important that I got out soon?

"I relapsed.. So they'll have to keep me just a bit longer than you, only a little longer. Like a week" Jack nodded understandingly, but still looked a little disappointed that it would take me longer.
"But that means you have to participate in at least two groups. You already participate in Recreation therapy.. You could participate in Process group or Education group because they don't require you to state the reason you're in here" Jack nodded and smiled a bit, he still looked shocked.
"What are you going to do right when you get out?" I questioned.

A smile quickly grew on his face "listen to Blink 182"
I chuckled at his response and looked down at the window, seeing the world that we would soon be released back into.

"Jack, I know you don't want to talk about it, but if you're comfortable could you explain how all of this started..just, everything" I said, Jacks smile lightly dropped, but still clung to his lips.

"Only if you explain first" he suggested, I chuckled, and saw this as my opportunity to really find out about him.

"Well, my half brother, mom, dad, and I all moved here from England" I started, seeing him instantly become more interested.
"I was only about six" I smiled, "everything was okay, but by age eleven I started with anxiety, it was nothing serious, or diagnosed yet.. My older brother was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression, but he was an alcoholic" Jack nodded understandingly as I got more involved with my story.

"My parents were always fighting with him, one day he had enough and he packed everything he had and somehow made it back to England where his biological mother lived" I paused for a few seconds, "three days after he moved, I was told that he died in his sleep" I met eyes with Jack and instantly mine started to water as I remembered everything.

"Like three years later they told me that he actually committed suicide, I was really guilty. The anxiety was always there but I started to fall deeper into depression..I was hurting myself and fighting with my parents a lot more. I tried to kill myself two times, and then another time is what made them send me here" I finished my story, a few stray tears littered my face, but I quickly wiped them away and looked out the window.

Jack looked at me sadly, sincerely.

"I was with a closeted guy named Danny, it really hurt me because to hide the fact that he was gay, he would say all these mean things about gays. No one was allowed to know that we were together. So I just started to feel like I wasn't really enough, I was basically there for a casual fuck.. Eventually he broke it off because it was getting too risky. I felt alone, and sad, and I wasn't really sure what I was looking for, I just wanted someone to love me" he paused for a second and recollected his thoughts,

"I started sleeping around with literally every gay guy I could find, closeted or not.. They brought up my self esteem, I needed that" he sighed, obviously regretting it.

"I was really in love with Danny.. Eventually he wanted me back and I was glad to go back to him. But this time it was different. Danny would hit me, he would call me names. He always had a way to control me in social situations, he would squeeze my hand or leg so tight under tables that I thought he could break my bones. It would control me fork accepting invites to go out with people he didn't like, and it would control me from saying anything suspicious" Jacks eyes started to water this time, I was angry at Danny.

"He told me I was fat, and he made fun of my weight, I was a little bigger and he didn't like that" Now Jack was on the verge of tears, my chest hurt as I watched Jack hurt.

"I don't give a fuck what size you are, Jack, I think you're perfect" I spoke in a whisper, watching him smile a little.

"So I stopped eating, when I did eat I would throw up, I was passing out and I wasn't doing well so my parents sent me here" he made the ending short, obviously not wanting to get into it.

"He didn't deserve you, Jack, you deserve so much better than him. He's terrible. He treated you like shit, it doesn't matter what you look like to me. I'll never change the way I look at you depending on how you look" I assured him, he smiled lightly and we sat in silence for about ten minutes.

The silence was comfortable, Jack finally admitted what happened to start this, and I could almost feel his relief.

"Alex, what do I make you feel?" Jack spoke quietly as he faced me, the windows natural light making him look beautiful.
I thought.
I wanted to explain to him every detail of what he makes me feel, I wanted it to be a speech known to everyone so they could know how great Jack really was.
It took me about five minutes and when I was ready to speak, it came out in a small voice "happy" I nearly whispered.
I could tell he was expecting something more in five minutes of thinking, he seemed almost confused at my response. I let tears enter my eyes for an unknown reason, all I knew us that they were happy tears.
Jacks face twisted in confusion and I began to explain.

"A few weeks ago I never expected to be happy again" I cried, his confusion melted away and suddenly turned into pure adoration.

"I love you, Alex Gaskarth"

I took in a sharp breath as this was the first time he's ever told me he loved me.

"I love you too, Jack"