I'm A Walking Disaster (jalex)

You think you're fine but you're just alone.

Chapter Thirteen

Title from A Hammer by Alex Gaskarth (poem)

"Where did your fork go?" Vic questioned as he slid my plate closer to him. I had my head down at the table for the third time today, Vic was making it look like I actually ate for the third time today.

I shrugged as I felt it in my sleeve "I forgot to get one" I mumbled. I heard his sigh but I didn't care, he probably knew what I had actually done, he's done it before.

"Jack Barakat was in the day room half of the day" Josh said matter-of-factly. I felt my face drop at his name, but no one could see it. I stayed quiet. the only time I've been in the day room all day was for recreational therapy.

"My brother called me" Josh said, trying to get everyone talking about something. Everything he said just made things worse, Tom was now coming into my thoughts.
Would Tom call me?
Would I even be in here if Tom were here?

"Mine did too" Jonny said, adding onto the pain, the thought that most people with brothers still have their brothers. Tom would be a supportive brother I'm sure. Tom would be the best brother, he was the best brother.
There was a long pause in the conversation.

"Alex, you okay man?" Jonny asked for only the tenth time today. I nodded Into my sleeve, earning more silence from the group.

Soon enough we were allowed to leave, I only lost points for not eating half of my final meal. As I began to head to my room, Josh stopped me, a serious expression caused anxiety to spark up.
"You're worrying all of us, what's wrong?" he almost demanded, not in a rude tone but more concerned. I flinched and thought of things to say.

"Don't be worried" was the first thing I thought to say.
I hated worrying people, worry leads to stress, and I hate causing people stress. It made me feel even worse to hear that people were worried about me.

Before Josh could say anything else I walked past him, and to my room as quickly as possible. I felt relieved as I felt the fork in my sleeve, but the relief was post poned as I walked in to find Jack and his nurse.

I had to wait until they left, and I knew it would be soon.
Jack hates being around me now, it shouldn't matter.

I walked over to my bed quietly, Jacks nurse knew something was wrong as Jack and I usually start talking right away. She left after about ten minutes of silence, I was surprised when Jack didn't leave.
I turned around to face the window, I couldn't see Jack anymore. my breathing was shaky and the more I thought, the worse it got.

"One time when I was eight years old, my brother, my dad, and I went fishing in this small lake we found. No one was there so it was really cool, we were sitting there for hours not catching anything but my dad kept claiming that there had to be fish. My brother got his hook caught on a tree and it kinda ruined everything for no reason. He just got really mad at himself, I guess, and I really hated that. I mean, he didn't really do anything wrong. People do that all the time, but I'm not sure if he ever really let himself pass on small mistakes like that, you know? My dad kept assuring him that it was okay, he hardly talked for the rest of the day.
We fished for another few hours though, we never caught anything.
My dad hated giving up, at the end he was promising to return because he just knew there were some fish in the pond. I think he has problems with being wrong, and with giving up"

Until he gave up on you.

I told my pointless story as I faced the window, I just wanted the silence to go away, Jack didn't say anything.
I didn't expect him to say anything.

"Tom never did forgive himself, I don't think, I'm not sure if he even remembered it in the end. Maybe part of life is forgiveness, mainly for yourself. You know?
I think I'll try forever to forgive myself, maybe that is my main goal.
But I'm not sure, I'm really unsure about everything. I don't even know what I'm saying, Im sorry, I just don't like it when it's this quiet." I continued. Jack still didn't say anything, I felt my eyes water as I knew he wouldn't talk to me.

After a few seconds I brought myself to my feet and shuffled to the bathroom, not bothering to look at Jack. He doesn't care.

I leaned against the door and brought the fork out of my sleeve before pulling it up.
How much damage can a plastic fork do?

I pressed the teeth of the fork down on my arm and dragged across, there was no blood but skin peeled up in the trails of where the fork had been.
I wasn't satisfied.
I flipped the fork to the end of the handle, pressing down and dragging once, it only left a red mark so I repeatedly scratched the same part until I got blood.
I did the same thing multiple times until I had about six actual cuts on my body, I had many more marks that were just red and puffy.

When I came out, Jack was gone.