Saving Grace

Chapter 23: Colt

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

People say to leave the past where it belongs, to focus on the future and not waste time looking back. But the truth is, if we don't take the time to look back, the past will continue to embed so much of itself into our present, that the future will always be a reflection of the past.

Our mistakes, our hardships, our choices, all combine to make us who we are. But if we do not let it shape us, and instead, remain unchangeable and immovable, we will dry out and crack like leftover clay.

I had decided I not only wanted to be shapeable, I wanted to be fucking malleable. The past had been beating the hell out of me, but I was ready to become unbreakable.

I just needed to be able to step out of my truck first.

The lavenders were her favorite. She always smelled of them, even if there were none in sight. She used to tease me that her love of them was rooted so deep, they must grow inside her to give her their natural scent. I ignored the fact that every body lotion or body wash she had was also lavender scented.

Grabbing the bundle of lavenders I had tied together, I stepped out of my truck, closing the door with a force that seemed out of place in the otherwise quiet landscape that surrounded me.

I slowly walked the path I had not been able to bring myself to in many years, and took in a deep breath that I felt too privileged to take.

Kneeling down, I placed the flowers on the ground and ran my hand along the top of the grey stone that was too colorless for someone like Catherine. I stared at her name written across the stone and one of her favorite passages:

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars." - Jack Kerouac, On The Road

We read On The Road in our high school senior class, and Catherine fell in love with that passage. She said it resonated with how she felt about life; how it was meant to be lived with such a passion, you could combust at any moment simply from the intensity of emotions felt within. She didn't believe in doing anything with half a heart. She was always all in. It is what I loved most about her; the way she lived life.

If she were here, she would be disappointed in the way I had been living mine.

"Hey beautiful. I, uh, I brought your favorite. You would actually be impressed, cause I grew these myself. Can you believe that? I'm surprised they survived my inexperience. If I'm being honest, it took me a few tries to figure it out." I chuckled, shaking my head. "I was never the green thumb type. That was you. But you were always such a caretaker, weren't you? I never met anyone who had more of a pure heart than you."

I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, taking a deep breath in before running my hand down my face.

"God, I hate using the past tense with you. I know it's a shit excuse, but it's why I haven't been here in quite some time. I don't know how--." My words became lost underneath the lump appearing in my throat. I forced a swallow as I continued with a shaky breath. "I don't know how to allow myself to think about you or talk about you and it only be in the past. How do I accept that you're not coming back when I still wake up everyday feeling you next to me in bed, smelling lavender and honey, and hearing your sleepy voice telling me good morning, just for me to roll over and you not be there?"

The thick ball of emotion that had been lodged in my throat took over. I could not help but become completely choked up as tears began their descent down my face and anger roared deep inside.

"Damnit!" I punched the ground unable to control my grief. "It should have been me! It shouldn't have been you! You were the best thing in this world. I am so sorry Catherine. I'm so, so sorry."

I covered my face with my palms and inconsolably wept. I sat there for quite some time, allowing the guilt and agony from my past to wash out with the tides of my tears.

My sobs lessened until they came out as muted fragments of my pain. I wiped my face with the back of my sleeve then interlocked my fingers behind my neck. Looking up toward the sky, I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath.

"I have let you down Catherine. You always lived life to the fullest extent. It was one of the most beautiful things about you. You inspired me to do the same, but after... damnit, after you were gone, the inspiration to live left right along with you." I shook my head, turning away from her, not wanting her to see me cry again. Taking a few deep breaths, I turned back to her grave, smiling softly.

"I know now, that you wouldn't want that. I know you would want me to live madly, even to...even to love madly. And God, how I will always love you. But I understand now, this quote you loved so much." I ran my hand along the words. "The only people for me are the ones mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, they burn, exploding like spiders across the stars. Well I'm mad to be saved Catherine. To burn and explode across the stars. I desperately need to, because when I do, when I get close to touching those stars, that means I'm closer to touching you."

I leaned down and rested my head against her gravestone, holding on to either side of it. Taking a deep breath in, I slowly exhaled, allowing my guilt to go with it.

"I'm ready to forgive myself. I'm ready to let go--to let you go. Thank you for loving me so completely that I still feel its' impact. I will always, always love you. Goodbye beautiful. I am going to try to make you proud."

I pulled away, kissing my hand before placing it on her name. As I stood up, a beautiful monarch butterfly landed on my chest, fluttering its' wings before landing on Catherine's headstone. I stared at it in awe, completely rooted in place.

I lost my grandfather when I was nineteen. Him and I were really close, so it had been extremely hard on me. Catherine was with me at the funeral. In fact, she never left my side. As we were laying him to rest, a butterfly fluttered around me, and I remember Catherine squeezing my hand as she told me it meant that a loved one is free from pain. That butterflies represent change, hope, and love.

I smiled, looking up toward the Heavens. Knowing my Catherine, this was her message for me, and it was loud and clear.

I was ready to start living my life. I was ready to burn so ferociously bright, I would explode amongst the stars. The only thing to do next, was get the star I wanted to burn next to.