The Impossible Happy

Crumbled Angels

It had been 3 days. Three long, simple, beautiful days. There were the slew of passionate kisses that went with it, the nuzzling against well built shoulders, necks, and abdomens. The sleeping (On Dean's part) in one another's arms, too scared, too at home to move from each other's grip once morning had come.

It was nonchalant, as if the two had done this a thousand times, it was full of nonspecific ideals, the unknown ahead, but not worried about. For Dean, it was all he ever needed. No case hanging over his head, no planet endangering activities looming, and most importantly, no two ton weight on his back that was his closeted sexuality. He was free for the very first time, and he had some one he cared for, a great deal to share it with. For the first time in a long time, Dean Winchester was happy.

It was the morning of that third day, a Sunday. Dean sat on the chair that belonged to the mahogany table that belonged to Castiel and Dean's first act. His hair was tousled from the tossing and turning of the night before, he drank his coffee in silent joy, every once in a while looking up at the Angel across from him. He caught Castiel's eye and smiled warmly. He smiled back but a hint of what looked like dread flashed across the Angels face.

"Dean?"

"Yeah, Cassie?"

"What...what are we?"

"What do you mean?"

Castiel shrugged.

"I don't know, I just...are we 'in item'? What are we doing?"

"Oh, come on Cas" He sat forwards in his chair. "We don't gotta talk about that now. We'll figure it out eventually."

"Dean." He had become more serious. "I think we should talk about this now. It has been 3 days of our constant...petting. Looking back, I think I have liked you, romantically, for some time, and I'd like to know--actually Dean, I have a right to know, wether these feelings are requited, or if I am simply...a waste of time."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there, buddy. What makes you think I'd play you like that? It's only been three days, man. We can figure this out later."

There was a tense silence. Dean sighed.

"Look, I do like you. Have for a while now, I'm sure. But I don't want to mess what we got now up like I do everything else in my life. I'm happy, Cas, with you. I don't know what our future's gonna be like. I don't know if we can keep this up. But for now, I want to be with you. I want this to stay just how right now is, and I don't want to talk about the god damned future."

Castiel slowly stood, gazing at the man opposite him. He walked around the table, he squatted, lowering himself to match Dean's eye line in the chair he sat in.

"I understand, Dean. But I must tell you, the Garrison. They will likely not approve of this. Of us. They are indifferent to us both being male, but you are a human, and that sort of relationship is prohibited in heaven."

"Who gives a fuck about those dicks with wings, we ain't in heaven now, are we?" Dean said, plainly.

"The laws of heaven apply wherever I may be" the Angel looked down at his shoes. "I'm sorry Dean, I don't know how I let it get even this far."

"Wait. You're tellin' me we
didn't even have a chance at a future? Dammit Cas, you could've led with that."

"I'm sorry. I thought you wouldn't mind. I didn't realize..."

"What, that I might actually have feelings for you? Cuz God knows Dean Winchester couldn't possibly have any of those! Well, screw you Cas." Dean stood, and turned his back on the kneeling man. He could feel Castiel stand as well, stepping closer. Castiel's body was almost flush with Dean's and his lips almost touched the base of his neck as his head fit so perfectly there, his mouth agape, as if he needed to say something, but could not find the words.

All at once, tension rose and breath become harder to find for the both of them. Hurt silence filled the air as they both couldn't bring themselves to look at one another, but still have the need for physical contact. The silence is broken by a raspy voice.

"Dean, I'd like to be with you. I want to be with you." Dean spun around to meet eyes with Castiel's. A quick, but passion filled kiss is shared.

"Cas, no."

"I've rebelled before. I will do it again. I am not afraid."

"Things are still getting straightened out up there, right? Why turn your back on that?" Dean tried to reason, but his eyes, focused directly on the Angel's lips told otherwise.

Castiel sighed.

"That doesn't matter to me. Not as much as you matter to me."

Dean stopped for an instant, 'I matter to someone?' He had not believed he was cared for, for some time. In fact, he couldn't even remember a time where he felt loved at all. But now, somehow, someway, this socially awkward Angel was finally making Dean feel...loved. He couldn't believe it himself, at the time he probably couldn't comprehend it, either. But it was there, a new glow at the base of his brain 'You matter? You matter? You matter?'

Dean didn't have to speak to convey his shock at what had just been said. So instead, Castiel wrapped his arms tight around Dean's waste, and kissed with as much intensity and power he could muster. He stepped impossibly closer to Dean, placing his leg inbetween Dean's, pushing their hips together. Dean stayed limp, in shock, as Castiel pushed his tongue into the other boys mouth. Dean some how found his wits and leaned into the kiss. After a slow 30 seconds, pushed Cas back an inch or so away from his mouth.

He took a breath.

"Cas. We can't. I dunno man, this is all too much, too soon. Don't you think?"

Dean hesitated.

'Are you really gonna fuck this up?'

Cas sighed, hunching a bit as the confidence he previously wielded slipped.

"Cas, buddy, I like you a lot. You're practically my best friend. ('friend? FRIEND? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, WINCHESTER?') I-I care about you. A hell of a lot. But-but you know, you with the God squad, and me with my...issues. How could we work?"

'You don't matter'' tolled in his head.

Cas sunk further into the shell of himself. He stepped away from Dean. Cas found his walls crumbling. Why was he so upset at this? He brought the garrison up in the first place, anyways. He was going to break it off with Dean anyhow.

"I-I thought you wanted..."

'You don't deserve someone like Cas' the evil voice in the back of Dean's brain.

"I know what I said. But maybe you're right. We shouldn't have let it get this far."

A bubble of rage began to rise in Castiel's throat.

"Why are you doing this, Dean? I just told you I would rebel for you, again."

Dean didn't know why.

"Cas, I don't wanna risk anything for some fling. I know we like each other, but dude, how long you think this is gonna last?"

Anger and pain overpowered the Angel. He took a step towards Dean, his eyes filled with rich intensity.

"I think you're scared, Dean." Dean looked up from his solemn stupor. "You're scared not because of some rules being broken, or of us happening too quickly...but your own heart, of what you're feeling right now. And dammit, I know you feel it, don't try denying it. Because I know you have been hurt. I know you are scarred by others, by people. But I am not one of those people. What we have...it's new. I have never had feelings quite like these." His face fell, he softened.

"You refuse to acknowledge that there are people on this earth that care for you. You always push them away, and it's because you're scared of them. But don't you see? I can give you the care you need, the care you deserve. I will not hurt you, Dean. I can see how what we have especially would be something to fear. And I'm scared too, Dean. I don't want to do this, to feel this, alone. Please be with me. Just, be with me. And don't be afraid."