The Impossible Happy

Moment

Dean was exhausted. In every way shape or form. He had never been so sad. Never. There was no bringing Sam back this time, there was no deal, no one to rescue him from the pits of hell, no nothin'. He felt empty internally. He wasn't mad anymore, he didn't feel guilt, nothing but despair and exhaustion. He needed Castiel. That's what he decided. He needed to know there was someone left.

When Sam walked in, Dean was in the middle of telling Castiel something. Three words that he hadn't been able to utter to anyone in a very long time. He needed to get to Castiel. He needed to say these 3 words. At the time, it felt to Dean, the only way he could take the pain away.

Driving home from the police station was most likely the longest drive he had ever taken. The trees he passed swayed gently in the wind. They were so unaware. They looked so care free. 'DON'T YOU KNOW MY BROTHERS DEAD' Dean wanted to scream. 'PAY SOME RESPECT.' He was too sad. It felt as though every piece of him had been ripped apart and haphazardly been nailed back together, he was still broken. Too broken.

He was reminded, on the way back to the bunker, of a moment Sam and he shared when they were just kids.

Their dad, John, had been picked up by a buddy to go in together on a Werewolf case, leaving the Impala in front of the motel they stayed. Dean, having just gotten his license and the ability to hot wire a car, stared yearningly out the window at it for days. It was Sam's idea to take her for a ride. It was the first time Dean had really driven her, other than in back alleys at midnight with a drunken John yelling about what he wasn't doing right.

The boys flew down highways just like the one Dean was on for that drive to the bunker. The trees swayed, the sky was so blue. Sickeningly so. Dean had never been so happy in that moment. Sam stuck his head out the window and screamed. They were free.

Come back.

***
The bunker was so silent when he walked in its door. Too silent. He wanted Castiel. Where was Castiel? He looked down the stairwell, Castiel ran about, grabbing personal effects and seeming so, chaotically, silent.

"Cas?" Dean's voice was hoarse.

Castiel stopped and looked at the descending man in a way Dean hadn't seen before.

"Dean." Castiel couldn't meet eyes with the man.

"Wha- what are you doing?" Castiel straightened at this. As if an actor, readying himself for a long rehearsed monologue.

"Packing." It was blunt. Like a slap. So much pain.

"What?" Now Dean's voice quivered.

"Look, we both know Sam didn't kill himself. We both know who killed him. This is my fault. It's only a matter of time until you get hurt, as well. I need to leave." The Angel took a deep breath.

Dean shut his eyes. This couldn't be happening. Moments of silence passed. Finally, Dean spoke.

"I can't lose you, too. I can't have no one."

Both Castiel and Dean looked down.

"I know" spoke Castiel "but this is for your safety."

"My safety? Fuck my safety. We're in the fucking Fort Knox of Angel protection."

"We can't stay in the bunker forever, Dean." Castiel seemed disappointed, somehow, in the words Dean spoke.

"Then, we take on the fluffy sons of bitches. We've done it before, don't see why we couldn't do it again." Dean was too exhausted to fight, but he was still going to, he didn't care.

"I can't kill any more of my brothers and sisters. I'm sorry Dean, I'm leaving."

"No, Cas, no. Please."

Castiel sighed.

"I have to. For you." Sadness rimmed the edges of The Angel's eyes. "for you." He repeated. Dean was looking down. He was shocked. He was losing the two people that meant most in the world in one day. How was this possible?

And that's when Dean broke. When he finally shattered. He hadn't cried all day up to this point, he was to shock ridden and numb. But it hit him in that moment.

Sam was dead.

Castiel was leaving.

Tears rolled down Dean's face freely, each one tiny capsules of grief and loss and love. He fell to his knees. He crumbled under the weight of it. Castiel crouched, as well. Embracing him.

"I....am..not s-strong." Was the only thing Dean could manage. Castiel only shushed him.

They stayed like this for some time. Dean sobbing, Castiel consoling.

But Castiel was all too aware that with every passing moment the Angels became one moment close to spilling Dean's blood on the floor. And so, with a kiss on the head, Castiel told Dean goodbye.

Dean was crying too hard to say it back.

Castiel climbed the stairs, slowly. Step by step he went, step by step.

He wonders if Dean heard him whisper
"I love you" on the way out.

Dean was left alone. Everything was silent. Everything hurt.

"Come back."

Dean realized he still wasn't able to say what he needed to say to Castiel.