identity

chapter 3

a/n hi! i didn't mention this in the last chapter but i realise people can't just "be gay in the future", it's just something that felt right to be said in the moment (kinda because of irl experiences lmao)

izzy's pov (izzy is the main character btw, the same person who was thinking before :))
it was tuesday, the day after i'd had spent hours obsessing over something i had little to no control over. pacing up the school drive, the shiny gravel beneath my feet seemed to stretch on and on, longer than it ever had done before. i was weary of my every move, in fear of people watching me, in fear of them somehow knowing.

i knew there was nothing wrong with being gay. or bi or pan or- there are so many terms we could be here for a while.. but it was all so much all so quickly. these terms, labels swarmed around me like small flies in exotic rainforests. there was no escape from it, in my mind that is. everywhere i turned, everything i did; all the words in the songs i was listening to walking up the school drive somehow were able to relate back to this. and now was when i realised how many songs were about love. i'd never liked anyone before. and i loved music. but how could i love something so much that i couldn't even relate to anymore? i had no clue what love felt like. for gods sake i was only 14. apparently "too young" to even think about love or relationships according to the older generations, and yet it seemed to be compulsory to everyone my age on the internet to be in one.

my thoughts were quickly interrupted by one of my friends, indy, running up behind me and tapping my back, rather vigorously.

"hey! what are you thinking about? i was shouting you.." she questions. what do i say? i cant tell her about how i'm feeling? what if she doesn't like gay people? what if she doesn't like me when she knows? what if she stops being my friend?

"izzy." she repeats, obviously curious as to why i was taking minutes to reply to what seemed like a simple question.

"n- nothing i- i'm fine!" i say, a deep crimson spreading across my cheeks.

"izzy i've known you for 6 years, i know when something is wrong..." ugh i forget sometimes how much she can read me like an open book. it can be helpful occasionally, but in this particular situation, it was my enemy. there was no way i could tell her; not now anyway.

"indy, i'm fine i promise," i said smiling, crossing my fingers behind my back, both to take the meaning out of the promise and also in hope that she let it go.

"okay. i mean, i don't believe you but i'm here to talk about it when you're ready.." she's so sweet. she understands me and what i need. i wish i could tell her, but my relationship with her means so much to me, i'm not prepared to risk everything by telling her.

we continue walking up the school drive, both making occasional comments on a new song we've found or our favourite youtuber's new video. i seem to be coping pretty well externally - excluding when i felt unable to function when she asked me how i was doing a few minutes ago.

eventually we reach the school, entering though the main reception and continuing through the quiet halls to the canteen, waiting for the morning bell to ring, notifying us that school has officially started and we all have to go to our lessons. we take a seat at a table quite near to the doors, aiming to be one of the first to escape when the inevitable sound of the bell comes and the students suddenly become a herd of angry bulls chasing a red flag. it's not too busy considering we always arrive early every day.

~
narrators pov
the school day finally comes to a close after almost 7 hours dragging on and on. izzy reaches her house after walking back in the autumn shower, now slightly damp, water seeping into her thin school shirt where her coat didn't cover, making goosebumps arise from her pale skin. she sighs as she collapses onto her previously made bed and checks her social media for the first time after school. she has a message from indy; surprisingly due to the fact that she's been with her all day. izzy's eyebrows furrow as she reads the message, delivered to her only 2 minutes ago as tears prick her deep grey eyes.

indy: hey izzy.. look, i don't wanna start any 'drama' between us, but i'm kinda worried.. you've been distant all day and if it's to do with me, please just lmk because we've been friends all this time, i don't wanna ruin it now...

its true: izzy had been distant all day, but she tried her hardest to hide it, she didn't think anyone noticed. then again, indy was her closest friend, she always knew when something was up.. but she was incorrect on one thing, it didn't have anything to do with her. but izzy had no idea how to let her lifelong friend know what she was going through. and if that means that it temporarily puts their relationship on hold, izzy is - as expected - a little hesitant to do so, but she feels as though it's what needs to be done.