identity

chapter 9

approaching tara's friendship group, i notice two things. one: i thought she'd have many more friends due to her kind nature she's already shown me. and secondly: they don't need happy to see me.

after what felt like hours (but was probably only around 15 seconds), of walking towards the not-so-happy-to-see-me group, we reach them and tara introduces us.

"this is izzy!" she says joyfully. i notice how soft her voice is, and how calm she makes me feel. her bright eyes glaze over each of the three people sitting on the ground below us. her sandy brown hair is blowing in the faint wind and her cheeks were softly blushed from the cold.

i snap out of my thoughts to notice the group staring up - their cold eyes bitterly piercing through me.

"hey, izzy.. are you okay?" tara sincerely whispers.

"ye- yeah i'm good!" i reply, definitely too enthusiastically judging by the looks on her friends faces. "i'm sorry, i'm izzy. tara's already said that, um..." crimson creeps up my cheeks as i stand in front of three total strangers wide-eyed.

"hi, i'm meg" one says.

"i'm tessa!" another mentions, smiling at me.

"this is roxy, she doesn't talk much.." tara says as a girl on my right looks up and waves at me. i wave back as tara motions for me to sit on the ground next to her, completing the human circle theyve made on the slightly dewy grass.

"so... what do you do?" the person directly opposite me, meg, asks.

"well... i like painting. i always paint at the weekends with in- with my mum." i say, training off at the end with the realisation that indy is no longer here.

"izzy?" tara says. god, ive made myself look like such a fool in front of her today. i've made myself look like a fool in front of all these new people.

"yeah?" my voice cracks mid-word as tears begin to prick at the corners of my eyes and a lump starts to rise in my already tight throat.

"are you sure you're-" the bell rings, notifying us that our lunch hour has come to an end - much to my relief. it's exhausting, continuously lying to her by saying that i'm okay when i'm so obviously not. we stand up and i mutter a small goodbye before hurrying off to my penultimate lesson - art. great. i love art, so much. it's been like my escape over the past few days. but when i'm in school, there are no other distractions; so i'm just left there with a paintbrush and my thoughts.

i enter the classroom that's slightly infused with the smell of paint, and sit in my usual place near to the back of the room. i begin to zone out, staring at nothing in particular, but somewhere near the doorway. i know that because now i see her. indy is entering the classroom and we briefly make eye contact. i see the hurt in her eyes. and that hurts me. and it hurts me even more knowing i'm the one that caused her pain. what do i do? should i apologize? should i ask her if she's okay? should i tell her why i acted the way i did at the park?

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i ended up saying nothing. we sat in a silence that was practically begging to be confronted for a whole agonizing hour. durning my last lesson (maths), i spent the remaining hour contemplating what i could've done, debating what i should've said to indy.

i'm at home - luckily - going over the days events while listening to my 'favourite songs' playlist (mostly consisting of twenty one pilots and oasis. all their songs are helping me through so much right now). i've met some new people. i feel like it's a little too soon to call them 'friends' but i'm sure i will be able to at some point in the future. taras such a generous person, she's really helped me today, i hope i can do the same for her at some point...

a/n: i hope you like this so far :) tbh this was kinda a filler chapter.. i'm leading up to something...