I'm all yours (l.s. au)

11. I just dont know how to fix it

Louis POV

It's been two weeks since Harry left me. I don't even know, what exactly went wrong. Well I mean, punishing him probably was stupid, because we were in an argument. But I did not expect him to be like that. What did I do wrong? Besides the fact of pushing him away, of course.
God I am so stupid. What the actual fuck is wrong with me. I pushed the man away, I am in love with. The boy I wanted next to me forever. Why? Because I was scared of falling in love again. How pathetic. And now I lost him. Probably forever.

I haven't really eaten much in the past two weeks. Neither have I been to work or out for other occasions. I stayed inside, avoiding doing anything. I didn't even shower. I just layed on my couch, thinking about Harry, Harry, and Harry, crying my eyes out and being miserable. Not having Harry next to me is hard. I can't really sleep, because I know he is not here. But the worst thing is, that I  know, that all of this is my fault. Because I fuck everything up. Like Luke said back then. My first love... No! No, I will not give this disgusting human my attention. I'd rather focus on the beautiful, amazing, kind and lovely Harry Styles. The one, who isn't with me anymore.

~

I don't even know when I did it. I only know why. And how good it felt. Almost addicting. Like a drug I haven't consumed in years, but now got a fresh taste and now I can't stop again. I need to find bandages. I made 7 fresh cuts on my left arm. The scars from a few years ago were almost seemless, but now I covered them with new ones. The last time I cut myself was with 17. Because of Luke. Now I am 23. And you would think, I did it, because of Harry. But it was because of myself this time. This time it wasn't someone else, who destroyed things for me. It was me. I ignored Harry. I did not make Harry feel loved. I turned away from Harry. I hurt Harry. Badly. And I know it. I just don't know how to fix it.

My arm is now bandaged and I make my way to the kitchen. I definitely lost weight by how less I have been eating. I make myself a tea. While the water is boiling, I look outside of the window, thinking back to nice times with Harry. I've been doing that a lot lately. A tear slips from my eye and I let myself cry. (haha that rhymed🙃)I've been doing that a lot lately.

I stare out of the window for so long, the kettle has already turned off minutes ago and the water is probably already cold by now. Suddenly, a ringing noise scares the heck out of me. I walk over to the door, secretly hoping it might be Harry.
Of course it wasn't. It was my best mate Liam. "Hey dude, haven't seen you in a long time. You literally have been ignoring all of my calls, where you sleeping? You look tired. And where is Harry?"
I just stare at him. His many questions, especially the last one, are pretty overwhelming. When he notices, that I probably won't answer soon, he lets himself in, kicking his shoes off, and walking over to the couch. "Mate.. what's wrong, cmon buddy", he says, with that very caring voice. The one he used, after all that shit with Luke happened.
So I started telling him everything. Every detail. Every feeling. Every stupid action of mine. And then he hugged me. And I just cried. I broke down completely, finally letting go of all the pain and guilt.