I'm all yours (l.s. au)

12. I know he is not good for me, but I'm still in love

Harry's POV

I have been spending the last 6 weeks at Nialls. It was all getting too much. He has been helping me though. And now I started going to therapy. I only had two sessions so far, but Mrs. Jones seems so lovely. I can really open up to her and I already know, she will help me.

In the first week, I did not speak to anyone. Not even Niall or my mum. I locked myself in Nialls guestroom, only coming out to go to the toilet or to get food. Which I barely did. I started noticing many things, that changed since the incident. I can't look at myself in the mirror, when I am not fully dressed. It scares me. Nudity scares me. When I shower, I scrub my skin so hard, til it's completely red. I get startled by the smallest things. I can't sleep, because of horrible nightmares. I obviously don't leave the house. I feel completely out of place. Everything seems more like a movie, than my actual life. And I am scared of that. Luckily, after 4 weeks, I finally found the strength to tell Niall. He started crying and hugged me, well, tried to hug me, because I immediately shielded my body from the physical touch. But now, Niall has helped me a lot already. And I am really grateful for that.

But there was still this other thing. Or person. Louis. He really made everything worse, even though I know, that was never his intention. But how Louis punished me. I already felt so used, so dead, so out of place, that I only wanted him to comfort me in any way. Preferably without any physical touch. But instead, he punished me, for staying away and not answering his calls. But he did not know. He did not know, what happened. So it wasn't his fault.
I really tried to get Louis out of my head. I even tried to make him look guilty. But it never worked. Probably, because I was still in love with him. So much. Although he clearly doesnt feel the same.

Louis did so much shit, that made me feel miserable. But being away from him feels even worse. And I hate it. Because I know, he doesn't love me. I know, he doesn't care that much about me and I know he is not good for me, but I'm still in love. The whole time I am thinking about how he is feeling now. If he already has someone new? Yes, probably. If he thinks about me from time to time, maybe wondering, why I really left? No, probably not. He probably threw my things, I still have at his place, in a garbage bag, and stored them in the basement, waiting for me to come pick it up. But I wasn't ready to leave the house yet. Or to speak to Louis. Or see him. Or be somewhere close to him in any way.

~

Currently I am watching a film with Niall. That kind of turned into a habit of us. Me crying, him comforting me, and then making a huge bowl of popcorn and plugging a movie in. It was rather nice to let go of my feelings and afterwards drive into the story of the movie, to ignore the story of my life.
Niall always tries to comfort me, but he is that type of person, that just gives you a big hug and cuddles you a bit. And that always helps. But not this time. Because I don't let him touch me. I know it makes him a bit sad, but of course he understands it. I am not even sure, if I will ever be able to let a person touch me. If I will ever be able to live my life normal again. Right now, I'd say no. But Mrs. Jones said, that in a few months, I will probably think differently about this. I hope she is right.