Diavolo

thirty three - when she broke

She's dangerous when she's hurt. She could easily destroy everything around her, but she doesn't. Instead she destroys herself. 

Mourning was the dawn before the light is brave enough to flood over the horizon. It was the time when the world seemed black and grey, but still, it continues to orbit the sun because life has to go on.

"Hey partner, it's me again." This past week has felt like an endless eternity without Theo, the ache in my chest seems to grow more as the days go on. "I know I came to see you this morning..." I breathed taking a seat. "I just don't know what to do with myself Theo, I tried leaving...I tried driving away but here I am - back to square one." The sun is shining providing warmth on my skin, yet my mind was clouded with grey. My mood ricocheted between low and lower, with no energy or motivation to get anything done. I've been trying to occupy myself with the hunt for Li Wei but I would find myself wandering back to him, he would invade my thoughts every minute of every day. "Everything happens for a reason," I whispered rubbing my bloodshot eyes. "Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, good things fall apart so better things can fall together." That's what he said to me on our deployment in Afghanistan when a building was obliterated by a rocket-propelled grenade just minutes after we left. I called it luck but Theo insisted that everything happens for a reason. I will never understand it, as a matter of fact, shit things will happen in your life whether you like it or not. It's times like these when all your small insignificant problems fade away. "Anyways, I don't plan on going anywhere soon. So I bought you something." Sniffling I pulled out an old tatty book from my bag and began to read.

"With this hand, I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never empty, For I will be your wine." I tried to hold back the torrent of tears that's been building up. "With this candle, I will light...I will light your way in the darkness." At this point, I was a stuttering mess with my sticky face in my palms. I reached for his hand and held it to my trembling lips. His body was so lifeless in the blue hospital gown, he had lost a lot of blood - it was a miracle that he was alive. Nevertheless, right now he was on a life support machine because he couldn't even breathe on his own. 

I had him transferred from the hospital room to his own room instead so he was comfortable and closer to me, yet he felt so far away. Eventually, I dragged myself out of the room, it felt good to cry in a way, it shows that there's still some humanity left in me.

"Boss." Someone calls through my earpiece. I cleared my throat and took a deep breath.

"What is it?" I replied flatly, moving towards the IT room.

"We have intel on the whereabouts of Li Wei." 

I came to a stop in the middle of the hallway, my hands balling into a fist. "Where?" I spat.

"England. He's with Dax and his men." 

Great. Fucking great. This is just what he wanted, Dax wanted Theo dead and Li wanted me gone. I keep thinking if any of this would've happened if I'd just left when Li told me to but I can't think like that. Not anymore because what's done is done and I can't look back.

"Get the jet ready," I informed. "We're going to London."

***

Theo 

Two visits in one day? I was a lucky man. Her angelic voice - I could listen to it all day, she really was something else our LeToya. Even when she tries to conceal it, I could hear the sorrow in her croaky voice and her small sniffles.

I loved listening to her read, 'The Corpse Bride' was a novel she would read over and over again without getting bored and I remembered teasing her about it - telling her it was a children's film and she would flip me off. It's ironic really, the girl who could kill you in your sleep. Likes to read sappy love stories.

"With this hand, I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never empty, For I will be your wine." She pauses sucking in a long breath. "With this candle, I will light your— I will light your way in the darkness." Her voice cracks mid-sentence and that was when she broke. Her cries slice through me like glass.

And with this ring, I ask you to be mine. That was my line, that's what I should've said. I should've been there to embrace her and let the flood of her tears to soak through my shirt. I could hear her silently screaming and suffocating with each breath she took holding onto the last bit of the humanity she had left.

She'll be okay. Pain is temporary, she'll learn that there's more to live for. I would welcome death with open arms, I wasn't scared of it and neither was she but we both shared the same fear. The fear of losing each other - losing the people we loved. I know how much it would hurt her if I was gone so for that reason I promised myself that I would hang on for as long as I could. 

For her.