Half of my heart

We can't stay mad

For the 5th time tonight I hear loud cries from the baby monitor only to hold Bri for a few minutes and she goes back to sleep. I've gotten up every time because I know Brad is tired from filming all day yesterday. I walk over to her room to find her standing in her crib screaming with a tear drenched face. She immediately puts her arms out for me and I pick her up to calm her down. "It's okay, baby" I whisper to her until he crying slows. I sit down in her rocker keeping her close to me and gently rock back and forth until I see her eyes start to shut. She falls asleep after a few minutes and I lay her back in her crib and quietly walk out of her room. Brad is still in the same position when I get back to our room and it makes me a little jealous that he gets to sleep. I know he's been filming, but he hasn't even offered once tonight to get up with her. Every time he just rolled over and went right back to sleep leaving me to get up.

I'm woken up by someone pulling my hair and open my eyes to see Bri looking right at me. She's laying between me and Brad and starts smiling when she sees that I'm now awake.

Brad notices that I'm awake too and picks Bri up "Let's go get dressed so mommy can wake up." He tells her as they leave the room. I know he's not happy with me because I was mad at him earlier when I finally had enough and asked him to get up with Bri. For now I'm not going to say anything, and I don't think he will but we'll see. I get out of bed and make my way to the closet to find a pair of sweats and a t-shirt then walk over to Bri's room.

"What the hell is this?" I ask Brad pointing out the outfit he has for her. It isn't even close to matching and the shirt looks like he got it from the dirty clothes. He just shrugs and walks over picking it up to put it on her which pisses me off. "She's not wearing that. There are plenty of other outfits that match and aren't dirty!" I take the shirt from his hands.

"She's a baby, it's going to get dirty anyway!" He yells back at me as he starts to leave the room "You dress her. There's no point in me trying to help if you just say I always do everything wrong anyway."

I try to stop him, but he's too far away, and Bri is freaking out not knowing what's going on. I find a matching and clean outfit and put it on her then look for Brad. He's not in our room where I thought he'd be so I go downstairs and put her in the living room with her toys and go to the kitchen to find him.

He's standing at the counter with his phone in his hand texting someone so I walk over standing across the counter at him. He just looks up at me and puts his phone down "If you're going to complain about me more let me know now so I can leave. I really don't want to hear it."

"Leave if you want, but I wouldn't have anything to complain about if you didn't do dumb shit." I turn around to walk away knowing that now I really pissed him off. I don't even care anymore. I feel like half the time I'm a single parent.

He walks over and stands in front of the fridge knowing that's where I'm heading and blocks it so I can't open it "All you've been doing lately is complain about me. I'm not doing anything right or I'm no help, but you never tell me you need any help! How am I supposed to know what to do if you don't tell me? I can't read minds."

"Maybe if you were actually here you would know what I need help with! It's like you don't even care anymore. You tried putting dirty clothes on your daughter just to get her dressed fast." I push him out of the way so I can get Bri's breakfast "It's like I don't even know you anymore. What happened to the man who always wanted to be home and always wanted to be with her? She might be little, but she does need you!"

"Someone has to support us! What happens when Friends is over and you don't get all the huge pay checks? It's not going to last forever." He motions around the house "We had to have the big house with all the new things and new cars, someone has to be able to pay for all of that!"

I throw what's in my hands on the counter and walk into the living room "We made the decision to get everything together. You can't go blaming it all on me! If you knew me well enough you would know I don't need any of this. We could live in the smallest house ever. I could have to cook on a counter the size of our table and we could be so cramped we can hardly move. As long as I have you and Bri the luxuries don't mean anything to me." I sit on the couch with my head in my hands trying to hide that I'm crying. He should know that after being together 10 years all the luxuries mean nothing to me. I'd be more than happy to live somewhere completely different. I hear a door slam shut and I know right away that he left and I don't know what to expect. I should be even more mad at him for leaving, but right now I don't have that chance. I have a hungry baby, and a kitchen that desperately needs to be cleaned thanks to the mess I made when throwing the food.

"Let's go eat." I pick up Bri and carry her out to the kitchen and put her in her highchair so I can get our food. I see an envelope on the counter with my name written on it and open it to find a letter from Brad: I'll be back later. I just needed some time to myself to think things over. I fold it back up and put it where I found it then grab our food and take it to the table. Bri starts screaming when she sees hers so I quickly feed her then let her in her chair so I can eat my own.

After I clean up the mess from earlier and everything from breakfast Bri is asleep and I'm laying on the couch flipping through the channels not knowing what to do. Just as I get my phone out to call Brad and ask him to come back so we can talk I hear a door open and turn to see Brad standing with flowers and a small box in his hand.

"I know you probably don't want to see me right now, but now that we're calmed down we really need to talk about this." He gets a little closer to where I'm sitting leaving a little distance between us "I'm the same man I was. I want to be with you and Bri more than anything, but sometimes I let my work get in my way. I would much rather be here sitting with you as we watch her play. Hell, I'd rather be up with her at 2 in the morning than alone in my office or trailer, but I also know someone has to support us and I don't want you to have to do that. I know there's plenty from Friends now and you'll continue to get more, but I just feel like I should be helping more with it." He reaches his arm out to hand me the flowers and holds my other hand in his "I guess what I mean is I still love the two of you more than anything and just want the best for you, but I've been an asshole recently and have been showing it in the wrong way."

"Brad," I take a deep breath and choose my words carefully "I know you want to support us, but we have plenty of money, and that isn't all we need. What we need to be there for each other and be supportive. You have been an asshole recently and there's no doubt about that, but I haven't been that great either. I should have just said something to you before to let you know how I felt. The lack of sleep last night and then earlier today just really got to me and I overreacted."

He looks me deep in the eyes and pushes my hair out of my face and leans in to kiss me. We stay like that for a good minute not wanting to stop until he separates "From now on we tell each other what we're feeling, okay?" I just nod my head and he sits on the couch next to me pulling me on his lap "I love you so much and it hurts me to see you upset like this knowing that it's because of me."

"It's not all your fault, Brad." I look up at him sincerely "If it helps, right now since I'm with you I'm not upset, I'm happy I'm in your arms again." I cup his face and lean into kiss him passionately "I love you."

He separates and reaches for the box pulling out a necklace and putting it on me. I read it and it says "You're my forever." He notices me reading it and leans in to kiss me again "I mean it, you really are."