[🎧: Not Thinking 'Bout You - Ruel]
📎 "I'm no longer affected."
One time, I was at the mall with my brother and my cousins when I saw you with a common friend. You ran and tried to hide from me, but I saw you. Instinctively, I too, tried to hide and covered my face with one hand. One of my cousins asked, "Why are you hiding? Did you dump him?" I didn't know what to say. I never told you I didn't like you, but I also ran away and took distance.
That day, I thought, "Ah, so this is how it felt". Those times when I tried to get away from you, this was how you felt. I finally understood. It was painful, and humiliating. I didn't expect you to ever try to avoid crossing paths with me, and likewise, you probably also didn't expect it from me. I was awfully sorry. If it wasn't disrespectful to my cousins, I would have ran after you. But also, this could have probably been just an excuse.
It used to be easy confronting you. You were easy to talk to. Our conversations flowed and ebbed gracefully and it wasn't hard having laughs with you. That day, at the mall, I realized too, that talking with you has started to become an intimidating move.
The beautiful friendship we had has turned into an awkward limbo—I don't know how or when we will get out of it. Obviously, I'm still affected by all the matters and subjects that involve you. I remember you when I see a tall guy. I remember you in red shirts, fried chicken, and poems. My ears would strangely catch your name in a conversation that doesn't involve me. And also, I badly want to see all of your MyDay posts but I had been using all of my willpower not to. Unbelievable, aren't I?
After 2016, when we made that film for a subject, I was never not thinking 'bout you.
——
AGAIN, SORRY
Sorry for my unconscious attacks on your
pride and self esteem.
Sorry for being oblivious,
Sorry for being too selfish and for caring only
about how I'd feel.
Sorry for not giving you the poems you deserve,
For not sending you the letters meant for you,
For not letting you hear the songs I wrote
while thinking of you.
Sorry I'm feeling the same feelings again,
the same ones back when I
was still feeling so much for you.
Sorry that I miss you and that I long for you.
Most of all, sorry for saying all these words
that you probably don't need to hear.
Sorry for not being able to move on.
You have the freedom to not forgive me.
— C l a n d e s t i n e
YOU ARE READING
All My Lies
RandomThis is really just a record of all the lies I regret telling, showing, and believing; all the lies that have hurt both of us and our bond; all the lies and what I really meant to say or do for you. Really, I was just writing away the regret of lett...
