All My Lies

vi. sixth lie

[🎧: Never Really Over - Katy Perry]

📎 "I've moved on."

Nope, far from it. In fact, if moving on was the sun, I am Pluto. I am not even in the solar system. Obviously, I wouldn't be writing all of these if I did. But tell me, how do I move on from you? I've tried all the search engines and found a lot of tips and steps but none of them worked. Why? Because I never tried any.

I know, I know, and you know. We both tried acting cool and very chill about our situation. We had real feelings and both hid it in the "yeah, yeah sure" folder. I mean whatever, right? I liked you before, you liked me too, and we didn't know then about our feelings so we ran away from each other but hey, now we finally know and it's all okay, we're chill now, we've moved on. You've moved on, I've move on, let's just forget. Hah! Like it was that easy.

We had real feelings! It was all real! I would even dare say profound! No, no scratch that, that's way exaggerated lol. And also, no, I'm not mad, I just thought the exclamation marks make it climactic. My point is, I can't move on. Not because I didn't know how to, but because I still didn't want to. Makes me wonder, have you already completely moved on?

Or are you also putting off the process like I do?

——

SHERLOCK

I keep on searching for clues. It's true what they say, you only see what you want to see. I keep on collecting small things, tiny clues, and fragments of memories to concoct the magic I want to see. The traces of you you leave behind (on my trinketry, diary, social media) I call them stars. And in my desperation I connect them with lines in hopes that I see a constellation of chance. Because I need one more—God, I pray for just one more—so I can show you what you mean to me, how undefinable and vital you are to me. I guess, I just want to say I really miss you. You, and everything about us.

— C l a n d e s t i n e