From the Grandest Depths of My Heart :)

Falling in Love With the Mirror

TW: Blood/Body Issues (i will be mentioning blood and how I dealt with my perception of what I looked like in the mirror. this can be relatable, and triggering to some people, so do take heed of this before proceeding :) take care of yourself!)

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It was when she looked into the mirror, blood dripping down her nose, cracked lips, tear stained cheeks, unkempt hair, did she see what everyone would laugh at.

The girl in the mirror, didn't look happy.

She was always told, "Don't eat too much, your tummy is showing!" Embarrassed, she was sucked in her stomach and her pinks turned pink. She rushed off into the bathroom, countless times she had been told that, countless times she ignored it, until now.

That girl was me.

It was when I looked into the mirror after every single damn meal, did I look at my stomach. Lifted up my shirt, turned to the side, and saw how my stomach had shaped. Oh how many times I sucked it in! Oh how many times I pinched the fat on my body! Oh how many times I critiqued and criticized myself, until I broke down!

Tears streamed down my face, so much that blood dripped off my nose. Hushing myself. I suffered, silently. No one noticed.

I just kept on berating myself, time after time. Until that day. The same day I saw what everyone would look at me for, what they would whisper as my name got lost with the wind, what they would think of me.

I broke down.

It was right when I made eye contact with this girl in the mirror, I started to notice the pink tinge in her cheeks. The twinkle in her eye. The freckles that danced on her nose. It was then I noticed how her lips quirked. I loved how she looked, even when she broke down. Even though her hair was unruly, her lips dry, blood stained around her nose, and rain drops coated her cheeks, I found her beautiful.

I smiled. The girl in the mirror did, too. I laughed, the girl in the mirror did, too. It was beautiful, I was beautiful.

I fell in love with myself. It was then, I didn't care what others said, what they thought. It was then, I realized I found beauty in what others didn't.

I found beauty in loving myself.

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Hi! So I truly understand how triggering and scary this could have been to read, if you understood or related to this, I hope you're okay now. I am, I finally did it. I'm still working on loving myself, but I'm doing it! You can most definitely find beauty in yourself :)

I know that I've grown up with so many misconceptions, with these horrible stereotypes, that "fat is ugly." I went through an eating disorder because of it, hair falling out, all of that jazz :( But I found myself and helped myself get rid of the toxic mindset that destroyed me. I hope you find yourself, love yourself, and can see how far you've come.

Find love from the way your eyes twinkle all the way to how lovely your laugh sounds. Just keep going, my angel.

I hope you stay safe, drink water and please eat! Wash your face and put on clothes that make you feel confident. I promise, you will feel great :,)