From the Grandest Depths of My Heart :)

Project 10: Panic Attack and Growing Up

Hi! I don't remember if I've written something like this, but I am going to be explaining my thought process when I had a panic attack and was just emotionally and psychologically overwhelmed. So, I am putting a TW (Trigger Warning), please take heed now, because panic attacks are very serious. Though they may differ for everyone, they can be very overwhelming! Take care of yourselves! I took a break writing this collage of thoughts, because my mind just was not in sync with my heart and I was so busy. But, I'm updating now, so please enjoy :) This is not a poem, just a small story! 

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You're so selfish, my aunt said. 

You're so selfish, I repeated to the mirror. 

You're such a bad sister, my uncle said. My hands start to shake. 

You're so fat, eat healthier! my aunt said. My legs start to tremble. 

You've gotten so skinny, eat a burger! my old friend said. My eyes start to blur. 

You've become so boring, my brother said. My cheeks become wet with hot tears. 

You're so mean, my other brother said. My legs give out. 

I lay on the floor, shaking, thoughts so loud that I can't hear myself breathe anymore. It's as if everyone has always told me that I've become a monster. Just because I've finally started to do what's best for me, everyone is so angry. 

I'm not this submissive little girl anymore, I've become a young woman with her own thoughts and opinions. I cry out because everything is so infuriating. We are told to be strong and do the best for ourselves, but the moment we speak up, we are to be silent and listen. 

They didn't want a teenager, they wanted little kids. They wanted people who listen and give into their demands. 

Chills go down my spine and my heart beats so fast, I feel like body is on fire. My mind is running with a million thoughts and everyone is so disappointed. No one is proud of me, no one loves me, no one cares for me. 

I feel like I'm going to hurl, my eyelids are so droopy. 

I can see a girl on the floor, helpless. She looks so tired. She looks so done. She hasn't lived a single day for herself. And that girl is me. She needs to hold onto herself and put her heart together again. She needs to do what's best for her, even if that is the selfish decision. 

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And done! I cried a bit, reliving this. I didn't want to write too in detail of how I've felt, but I think it's descriptive enough for now. I've had a rough time recently. My life has been so busy and my yearning to write has just decreased, I felt writers block for the longest of times. I hope for now, this is good enough to read. 

If anyone needs to talk, my wattpad dms are open and definitely in need of some messages ;) 

My heart goes out to everyone and anyone who has had their mind spiral out of control and unable to maintain control with their emotions. Hope you enjoy, stay safe and love yourself!