𝗜𝗺𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀..... | 𝗷𝗶𝗸𝗼𝗼𝗸 |

am

jimin pov
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"Jimin!" She yells my name making me flinch. I've not heard a word from my mother in a week yet here she is yelling at me.

"I'm fucking talking to you! Answer me dammit!" It really doesn't take much to know if a parent knows their child or not. If she knew me at all she'd know I won't respond. That I'm trying my hardest but answering her would give me a panic attack.

"A waste of fucking space if you ask me." She mutters under her breath before rolling her eyes and walking out of the bitter home. I don't know what made me think coming out of my room would be beneficial for me.

"I- I- I-I'm s-sorry." I stutter out to know one in particular. Maybe to the person I unintentionally angered that makes my life so hard to deal with. Maybe to myself. Maybe to my mother that thinks I'm such a disappointment.

I'm assuming after I left the school they called her and she was trying to talk to me about it. Which she never does. I came home after the emotionally exhausting day I was already having and then got screamed at.

Feeling clean usually helps to calm me down so I decide to bathe with my time. I walk quietly back to the comfort of my four bedroom walls and pick clothes to wear. A white oversized shirt and sweatpants so I can't see how fat I am.

With tears already welling up in my eyes I walk into the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror. This is the part that I can't bear. I can't handle looking at my own body or reflection.

It makes me want to do things I promised I wouldn't.

I promised him so I have to try.

I take one quick glance at the wide, ugly figure in the mirror and a tear falls. At just one glance I hate everything I see. An ugly, fat, idiot that can't speak without sounding like dumbass. The boy no one loves or cares about.

God I wish I could die. I wish I had a chance to start over and try again.

On March 17th 2016 I made a pact. I vowed to never kill myself, to never cut myself again and to never starve myself again.

My brother, Park Jihun, made me promise those things.

On March 18th 2016 my brother, Park Jihun, took his own life. He left me only after I made a promise to stay.

I can't break that, even if it breaks me. I can't let him down more than I already have. I don't and I will never know what he was going through but I wish he would've came to me. I wish I would've reached out when I could. When I had the chance to. When he was still here.

I regret so much that I've done and I've broken those promises before.

I've cut again since then, I've starved myself and still do. But I won't kill myself. I just can't.

I quickly look away from the mirror as I'm about to undress because even if I haven't really looked at my naked body in months. I don't want to. I can't go through that pain. My eyes pour out tears looking at the red slashes on my big thighs. I can't erase them, my broken promises. I can't help it either. If this is what it takes to make my life even somewhat bearable, I'll do it. I will do anything just to feel alive. To feel existent.

The floor feels cold and the air is biting at my skin. I start the warm water for my bath and set out a towel and robe for myself. My pale skin finally coming into contact with the soothing water helps me relax. I melt into the tub as the warm water consumes my body.

It would be so easy to die right now.

To just drown myself right now.

Every time I stop myself from impulsively killing myself a part of me dies. I think about how much easier my and everyone else's life would be if I didn't exist. How much happier they'd be if I was gone.

But it wasn't always been this hard for me.

I haven't always been such a sad excuse for a person.

My childhood wasn't all too bad. I grew up with a loving family and a role model older brother. I was truly happy back then. Maybe I still got bullied and picked on but I really didn't care.

I had something better. I had family and people that loved me. I was beyond happy with that.

But when I lost the one thing that mattered to me the most, my family, I no longer had a reason to live. I no longer had the desire to stay in such an awful world. I had no one to live for except Jihun and my parents.

I need a reason to feel alive again. I'm not living right now. I'm surviving until I can find the thing that allows me to breathe again. To live again. But that's all just wishful thinking. The type that I don't have much of so when I do it's scary. It's terrifying because I get hopeful. I start to imagine things I know very well won't happen. Like having a friend, maybe my parents being parents again, finding love. I chuckle at that last one.

Love, I hate it more than anything. I despise it because it's the reason for my despair.

I'm so sad because I don't love myself.

I'm so sad because everything and everyone I loved is gone.

Love doesn't deserve to be shown off and flaunted around like it's some grand thing. It's poisonous and dangerous. Love is a straight path to a broken heart.

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well.🤷‍♀️