Things I can't say out loud.

What is it that i feel for you?

"I can't fall in love with you" I murmured. We walked in silence, his breathing ragged from carrying me on his back. I nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck, his hair tickling my cheek.

"Why not?"

"Because you'll leave." My arms tightened around his shoulders, taking in his warmth. I always joked about him being my personal radiator. He shifted a little, letting the scent of soap and clean laundry escape from his body. I took it in like I was memorising it for a rainy day.

"But I'll come back soon."

"No, you won't. They never do." In my drunken haze I had forgotten where we were. He set me down slowly as we reached the end of the road. My vision blurred, hues of red, white and blue mixed into small blobs. I held onto his sleeve and looked up at him. He gave me a reassuring smile.

•••

We crossed the street and made our way back giddy and stumbling into one another. "Meri jaan" he called out as I almost fell into a bush.

"I'm okay" I laughed. The street was quiet, filled with only the faint sounds of people watching television in their homes. We walked on, our shoes crunching the dry leaves that had fallen onto the ground. I looked up at the stars, trying to map out the different constellations. One..two...three..Orion's Belt. I felt strong arms lift me off the ground and suddenly, I was face to face with him. I didn't understand what I felt, only that I started to map out his features as I had done with the night sky.

Two brown eyes, almond shaped with full lashes. A straight button nose, the kind female leads have in those cheesy romantic novels. Full lips I envied because they were naturally pink unlike mine that were awfully dull and pale. He watched me intently as my eyes went over his jaw, covered by his beard that was neat and trimmed. For a second, I let myself imagine leaving a trail of kisses along the curves up to his ears. His hair was longer than usual, falling over his forehead. I stopped myself from running my hands through the strands.

I'm always on edge, I like rules and acting a certain way in given situations or places. Yet, when I looked at him, everything faded away. The houses seemed to vanish into thin air, the trees turned to dust and all I could see were his eyes. They were a blend of chocolate and honey, like one of my paint palettes. Strokes of caramel peeking through, a little dash of dark brown trying to take over.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked. I nodded in response and let him carry me back home.