Let Me Adore You (N.H.)

16

Waking up, knowing I'd be spending this afternoon with Niall was still unbelievable for me.

I tried following my routines and living my daily life but it seemed not possible. I worried about so many things while showering, brushing my wet hair, eating a bowl of cereals as fast as I could without spilling anything.

He didn't tell me what we were going to do today and I had no clue how someone could be prepared for "you'll see". Just that he would pick me up from work at 3 o' clock.

He was still not a fan of me taking a shift today, but here I was, putting on my apron in the morning, yawning and putting pastries in the showcase. There is still ten minutes left before we open.

How could I decide against working? I couldn't sit on my bed, waiting for time to go by slower than the snowflakes falling from the light grey sky. I rather did it here, pumping my stomach full with sweet drinks and looking outside the window, dreaming about blue eyes and brown hair.

It was the first snow this winter. It wasn't much, but I was mesmerised by the white dots making their way down and melting on the ground. They made everything seem so easy. Falling.

What should I say or do, when I go home with him? What would happen from there? 

Would I be giving in, turning quiet? Why was I feeling helpless with him? It wasn't me. Did he know that? That I wasn't myself when we talked? 

Whenever I was on my own, I couldn't say what was right or wrong or why my heart wasn't present. It was somewhere else, searching for him. Or maybe it was with him. All I had left was my mind, making me regret ever looking at him. My goals, my beliefs were upside down, showing me that running was the only right thing to do. I never liked men trying to take over my life, having any sort of influence on it. I wasn't someone who turned submissive that easily. 

I had a father who showed me that I didn't had to rely on anyone, especially men. If I wanted to stay as happy and as independent as I was now, I had to stay single. I wouldn't feel independent in a relationship, because a relationship meant attentiveness, to be down with cancelling plans and being there for someone. Who assured me I wouldn't have to give up more than that? Will there ever be a day when I'd be ready for commitment? 

But when I thought about Niall and what he has done these past weeks, how he touched and looked at me, I felt appreciated. He didn't force me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with because he was the one who never put a label on what was going on between us. He understood me and I never had to conceal what I wanted, who I was. Maybe it was because he was the one I wanted to be like. Successful. It was never hard for him to express his intention and his thoughts. 

Maybe his way of taking care of me was what I needed. Maybe I needed someone to trust, someone who would lead me. Teach me. To give him control over me. 

I was tired of fighting against things, not knowing why I was fighting against them. I needed him, he was the only one who could tell me that everything was good the way it was.

Now was the time eventually.

During my shift, I was non-stop watching the clock above the kitchen door, my fingers tapping on the counter nervously while I drank coffee after coffee to calm my nerves when it actually riled me up more. 

It was the early afternoon and after a morning shift plus with the upcoming rush hour, I couldn't wait to go, to see him pull up in his care and take me out of here.

And finally, after I almost dropped the container with matcha powder, my coworkers shooed me away with a smile on their faces. Of course they didn't know what exactly was making me so nervous today, they probably had their ideas anyways, that was why I didn't bother telling them I was seeing someone today.