Clinging On (KARLNAP)

Ch 3 "Socks"

TW: Profanity, Suicide,

Karl POV

I woke up to Sapnap's arm around my waist. I feel the sweat on my forehead. It was another nightmare. I get nightmares often about my mom, mainly the nightmares make me think she's still alive and then it tricks me by the end of it where I see her car get crashed into, to be honest the dreams were repetitive but still they got me. My mom died in a car accident, it was sudden for me and my dad, I've gone to therapy about it but I felt like that worked only some. I still get the thoughts roaming in my head that remind me of the time I watched my dad pick up the phone. She was a good mom to me, and a good wife to my dad. She used to be my rock, my voice of reasoning, so when she left things slipped from me, and my lack of reason led me to do some bad things, like the cuts that lay against my arm. She always rooted for me, and now she's the reason I do everything, I want her to smile at me from heaven,I want her to know that I'm doing ok, and so that is why I've kept going.
My dream startled me enough, but the feeling of movement behind me startled me even more. I look and I see Sapnap breathing softly into my back. Wait- Sapnap was currently spooning me. What the honk. Sapnap is spooning me. Sapnap was buried into the back of my neck, One arm over my lower stomach, his other arm was under his cheek. He looked so at peace.
I'm not gay, or at least think I'm gay, but my soulmate envelope probably begs to differ. A lot is on my mind at the moment, I found out Sapnap's name was Nick, I found out he was going to kill himself, I found out he is my soulmate, and now I'm apparently gay, and I have this boy who needs my help, that's currently spooning me in bed. Also to make matters worse, I'm the little spoon, but I sort of didn't mind it. I have a lot to unwrap here. I look at my hands and I notice a slight pigmentation change. It's true. The color was black all over the back of my hands, now they looked to be turning red. I know that's Sapnap's favorite color.
I remember the envelope. I read the letter inside it. I remembered breaking down and tears going through my eyes. Sapnap has wrote his suicide note to his supposed soulmate to have them not look for him when he knew he was gonna die. But he's not dead, at least, not right now, he's alive and in my bed.
I don't think Sapnap caught on to the fact I'm his soulmate. I know Sapnap doesn't believe in them, he wrote that in the letter and explained it to me earlier. I'm pretty positive he's straight too, or at least believes he's straight. I believe I'm straight... but what if this whole thing is real. I mean Sapnap did touch me I guess affectionately on the backs of my hands, and here they are, they're red.
Being gay isn't something I would be ashamed of, I just don't think I'm gay, I mean I've never dated anyone and I suck at flirting to girls but I don't believe I'm gay.
I don't know if Sapnap is ok with being gay too. I don't want to give the guy another thing to worry about. He's already gone through so much in the past 24 hours, I don't want to be just another person in Sapnap's life to cause him stress. Where's the envelope? Did I just leave out in the open? Am I an idiot? What if he already saw it? What if he recognized it? Shoot.
I jump up carefully and get to my desk through the dark. I take the envelope and I put it in the nightstand drawer. I carefully get back in bed, and as I do Sapnap's arms fall back around me. He whispers something.
"Don't leave me just yet, Karl."
I don't know if he is awake or conscious but that made my heart melt. I don't think he knows what he's saying. Why would he say that? He doesn't think of me as anything more than a friend, I'm sure, but why did he say that to me? Why did my heart melt by him saying my name? I gotta shake this.
I try to drift back to sleep after noticing it's only 4 in the morning, but drifting was hard when I kept thinking back to when he was on the edge of the bridge. I was there but if I didn't get there in time, he wouldn't be here right now. I wouldn't have known anything if it weren't for that note.
How would this soulmate thing work well enough for me if it wasn't real?
I try and lay my thoughts to rest, but it keeps coming back to my internal sense of self. I don't think I'm gay. I don't like Sapnap like that, I don't want him to worry about his feelings towards me.
Wait but what about his mark- he's gonna see it and figure it out. I gotta do what I can. Shoot.
I let my eyes lay covered, I'll worry about this tomorrow.