The Price of Freedom

Chapter 30

Chapter 30

Dear Dad,

I'm sorry for failing you. I'm sorry I forced myself into your life. I know you tried your best, and I know that it's going to hurt when you see this, despite what I've implied about you. I'm sorry for letting you down. And Castiel will be hurting as much as you are, so grieve with him, don't shove him away. Sammy, you were right. There is something wrong with me. And I intend to take care of it. Thank you for caring. All of you. Thank you for these past few years. They've been the best of my life. Don't look for me, please. Castiel can get in touch with me, so no need to track me down.

I need you guys, and I'm sorry you don't feel the same.

Farrah Deanna Winchester

Taking a deep breath, Farrah folded the note and with shaking hands set it on her bed. She couldn't stay. She'd known that from the moment she first arrived back on earth. She was different now, a sort of different she couldn't control.

Her heart ached for her family, for the days when she was just hunting and avoiding angels. When she wasn't an abomination, when she was accepted. Before she was Crowley's. Before her stubborn attitude sent her to purgatory.

In her fanciest script, she wrote Dean's name on the outside of the note. Impersonal enough that he might understand that she had detached herself from them, but on the inside she would show that she did actually love them.

A tear betrayed her and slipped down her cheek. No. She needed to act normal, make them dinner and sit with them. Put on a brave face. It would be the last time she ever saw them; she needed to make it count. Let her last memory of them be a happy one.

"Farrah," Cas smiled when she walked in. "I have been waiting for you."

"Hello, Castiel." She smiled back and turned to the stove. Fried chicken and mashed potatoes, Dean's favorite, were almost finished. She also had a pie secretly hidden in the cabinet (they never got in it anyway) for dessert, after which she would excuse herself and vanish.

"Sam spoke to me."

As her breath stopped, she looked up at him with wide eyes. Please, don't say anything. I don't want Dad...he'd go ballistic. He nodded.

Farrah, you don't truly think- he tried to say, but she cut him off.

"Dad! Sam! Dinner!"

~

"Farrah?" Dean called. "Cas, you seen Farrah?"

Castiel walked around the corner to see Dean in the hall that held all three bedrooms. "Not since after she handed out the slices of pie."

"Well it's been two hours, and she isn't picking up her phone. What is this? Does she like running away suddenly? Cuz it's not fun for anyone else."

"Have you checked her room? She seemed very tired earlier."

Stepping toward the door, the two paused when Sam came running down the hall. "Her phone's dead. I can't get a trace on it."

Dean nodded. "Figures. She learned from us how to stay hidden, and she doesn't even need to be in the country, or on the planet."

They walked in and looked around. Nothing was out of the ordinary. "What's this?" Sam stepped over to her bed and picked up a piece of stationery, from the most feminine (and unopened) kit of stationery the Men of Letters had. She'd found it when they were exploring the bunker, and had been saving the paper for special things.

"It has your name on it." He handed it to Dean.

"She only used this for serious things." He paused and looked at Cas guiltily. "Cas, what would her chances of dying be if she wanted it?"

Shocked by the question, yet anxious to answer immediately, he gaped for only a second. "Higher than usual. She may be able to kill herself. The motion of stabbing oneself is much different than another doing it to you. And if she said the right spell, she could exorcise the demon side of herself at the same time. It may work. But we don't know what it says. She may not be considering it at all."

"Let's see."

He opened the trifold paper and read silently. Sam could see his distress growing with every word. "Her middle name is Deanna," he said, sounding brittle and taut.

"What?" Sam asked.

"She signed it Farrah Deanna Winchester."

"Let me see."

Sam decided to read aloud, so that Cas could hear. "'Castiel will be hurting as much as you are,'" Sam glanced at Cas, who frowned. "'So grieve with him, don't shove him away. Sammy, you were right, there is something wrong with me.' this sounds a lot like a goodbye letter."

"Finish reading it, please," said Castiel. He wasn't meeting their eyes.

Sam nodded and complied. When he finished, he fought the temptation to crumple the paper and throw it away. "She left. Again. But this note, Cas she could be dying."

"No. No, I can tell when she's in pain. If she dies, it may kill me as well. You'll know if she gets hurt."

Dean nodded. "Cas, you're staying here. Always with me or Sam. Understood?"

"Yes. I will try to contact her."