Second Chances

Nine

The last time I remember feeling like this was back in fourth grade for a talent show. It wasn't particularly a talent show for my school but for the high school. My friends sister and her friend needed a volunteer for their tricks to be performed on and mark my words, I was being chased by a golf stick in the front yard of their house in my towel. I never took a shower at their place again. In the end of the whole talent show, I had bald patches on my scalp and holes in my clothes.

I turned the corner and unlike last time, everybody was buzzing with laughter and indulged in conversations. My mother sat on the edge of the couch with one leg tucked over her other and my father had his laptop perched on his lap while staring intently at Ryland while he talked with a huge interest about his fishing trip.

I grinned slightly and strolled across the living room and sat beside him. Mind you, I tried to put as much space between the person who sat beside Adam on his phone and I. I was happy that my mother took my own advice and invited guests over for this evening and that she wasn't at the kitchen table, moping around in her own stress.

I sit beside my father who greets me with a warm smile. Ryland pauses for a moment and acknowledges my presence before continuing with his story. My dad places his arm around my shoulders, tilting me even closer towards him.

"How was your night out sweetie?" My mom asks from across the room. 

"Was that Dylan you were with?" Aubrey, Jonah's mother inquires.

In the corner of my eye, I see Jonah shift uneasily, keeping his eyes on his phone, almost like he's hoping someone will suddenly call him and give him any possible reason to leave.

"I had a great time with Dylan. The restaurant was great, his parents are so kind too." I reply almost too quickly.

"Yes, the Rosses are kind, they're quite the bunch. They raised a good looking guy too." Aubrey grins, "He's single, you know." She arched an eyebrow at me.

Suddenly it feels like everyone is focused on our conversation.

"Oh, no, I don't like- I mean, I'm not- I just met him actually." I stutter with embarrassment, while brushing a piece of hair behind my ear. It takes every ounce of energy to stop myself from running out of the living room, using some bullshit excuse.

I glance at Jonah whose ears are tinted a bit red. Glad to know I'm not the only one who finds this awkward.

"I wouldn't be surprised if there was a little bit of emotions in there." Aubrey said while leaning over to grab her glass of wine. I begin to wonder if my mom snooped around in my bedroom for her bottles.

My dad softly rubs my arm in comfort, as though he's aware of how hard this situation is for me. I peer at Ryland, who takes a sip of his beer and watches the TV intently, then I look at Aubrey who is engaged in what I assume, an interesting conversation with my mother, due to the way she tips her head back and laughs cheerfully. Lastly, I look at Jonah whose expression is cloudy as he tucks his phone into his pocket while opening his mouth to say something to Adam.

I run my eyes over each of them again and suddenly my heart feels heavy. Although the living room is alive and vibrant with happiness, it doesn't feel complete. It's a hollow happiness. The last time we were together like this was five years ago, the night after Ava's funeral. She would've been fifteen, going on sixteen. I let my mind wonder about what she would of looked like, how she would of acted, how different things would be if it weren't for my stupid decision. Because of me, they lost a daughter and a sister.

I grip the side of the couch a little tighter, my eyes staring at the floor. Please don't cry, not now.

The ache in my heart suddenly doubles when I catch Jonah's eye. Although they were born two years apart, Ava was so identical to Jonah that they were mistaken for twins quite often. I force myself to look away because I'm afraid I'll begin to see Ava in him more then I see himself.