chemical kids & mechanical brides. ☽ andy biersack

04 • you broke my heart

" i'll never see you again.
oh i want you to cry
for what you did to me on that night."

☆

andy's pov

my grip on the steering wheel of my swiftly moving car tightened hard as i made my way through the streets of los angeles and towards the practice venue i knew my bandmates were waiting impatiently for me in. i had chewed the inside of my lip raw nearly the whole ride there just thinking about when i'd have to walk into that goddamn building. the memory of the night that this awful fate was revealed to me replayed in my brain with practically every push of the gas and brake i made.

"so i guess this next run is gonna be us, motionless in white, and letters from your ghost. i know the name, but have we met them before?" cc's words from over the phone just minutes before rang through my head like a funeral bell as i sat in silence on the couch with my eyes up to the dim ceiling of my empty living room.

"oh, uh. i'm not sure." was the best response i could give him in the moment without delving into a world i was not anywhere near prepared to introduce my bandmate to over a choppy phone call.

the anxious curiosity itched at me like a cat scratch on my skin as soon as we hung up, impossible to ignore. i lifted my phone back into my hand despite my hesitance, scrolling my thumb up the screen and opening the all knowing search engine at the bottom of the stack of apps.

i carefully typed, "letters from your ghost" into the thin the gray bar.

i convinced myself for half of a moment while the results were loading that maybe, just maybe i was remembering things wrong, mixing up band names, anything but what had turned out to be the unbearable truth.

letters from your ghost is an american metalcore band based in portland, oregon, established in 2010 by rhythm guitarist, damien fawn, former lead vocalist, tyler harper, lead guitarist, andrew lockheart, bassist, kurt meadows, and drummer, eric elmore. in 2012, tyler harper departed from the band and was replaced by dahlia arabella fawn, sister of founding member, damien fawn, and has remained the front-woman since. letters to your ghost are known for.. 

my ability to read the words on my phone screen seemed to fade away, motivating my finger towards the off button on the side of the device. my vision slowly blurred in front of me, warping the image of my television stand, wall decor and loveseats; the only things that surrounded me in my hauntingly quiet home. the three little words i had stared into on my screen seemed to burn themselves into my brain.

"dahlia arabella fawn."

something in me always knew the day would come eventually; the one where i might have to exchange words with the woman who tore my heart out of my chest and somehow pretend that both of us can't see the scar.

i spent the long weeks after i found out about the line up for our winter run of shows learning what it felt like to carry unadulterated dread around in the pit of my stomach. i tried everything to not think about the day i would have to face her again, all to no avail. every day was a countdown to the moment i'd have to look in those venomous green eyes, and after that, the slow burn until i never had to again would begin.

the dreaded day arrived in what felt like a blink.

something beyond apprehension washed over me like a flood as i pulled into the almost empty parking lot of the venue, completely unable to picture that there would be hundreds of people lining up outside of such a bland looking building to see our show in almost no time. messages and calls from my bandmates continued to pile up onto the front screen of my phone as i sat unbuckled in the front seat of my car, fully considering putting the key back in the ignition and turning back around. i'd barely slept the night before. maybe i could say i had to cancel.