Bricks

A/N

Trigger warning: tr4um4, d3pr3ss10n, su1c1d3, and t0x1c friends

This poem is about my personal experience with a toxic person.

Emma (the toxic person, also not her real name) had really bad depression and was aliven't about it. She would talk to me about that stuff and I did not take it lightly. Emma went to me and not anyone else. I helped her every time she reached out and stayed patient. 

I used tips from hotlines, websites, friends, and others but nothing would work. She didn't do or try anything. (Which I know depression tends to do that but it was just baby-steps, small stuff.) She kept reaching out and then got mad at me when I tried to help. I didn't know what to do. I tried to talk to Emma one day and try to get her to reach out to another person. They were someone that I really trusted. I tried to get her to reach out to them because I couldn't help them by myself. I explained that I still would be there but she needed to reach out to another.

She was really mad and started arguing with me and threatening to unalive. I was panicking (and actually had an anxiety attack) and trying to get her to not. She kept saying that I hated her and was lying about me wanting to help. It was a long night. I ended up face-timing my other friend that I trusted and talked to her while Emma and I were still texting. Emma cussed at me and made me really mad a few times but I managed to keep my cool while texting. 

She also verbally attacked me when this happened and victimized herself. (I suppose she was but she was doing it to a point that she wasn't.) In the end, I don't remember what happened exactly but she had calmed down and then didn't respond for about an hour. I started to cry a lot thinking that she had aliven't and tried to text her but nothing would go through. I thought that was it she was gone and it was all my fault. 

Luckily she was alive, but I was emotionally drained and went to bed.

After that, I never tried to get her to reach out to another because I wouldn't be able to take it if that had happened again. She still reached out to me and I still gave her tips and advice. I kept doing it for months and it drained me. 

She'd reach out and only talk about her her and her. We used to have normal conversations and sometimes she'd ask if I was good. But she would only talk about how horrible her life was and got into little tedious arguments about every other thing. She did that for around a month in a half.

Then it happened on January 24th. So Emma was dumping crap on me and I couldn't take the stress and worry of trying to help her anymore, I couldn't handle it and I tried to tell her that multiple times before but she never listened. But that day I finally had enough and wanted to break off being friends. I know it's cruel but I didn't know what to do. I went to my friends and the internet for answers. I came to figure out that it's actually really toxic for anyone to do that (depressed or otherwise). I couldn't confront her because then I knew she'd commit. I didn't have any options so I blocked her. Then it all started.

STOP! This next paragraph talks about anxiety attacks do you want to continue?

I got a really bad anxiety attack, it was really scary I had only had an attack one other time but at that moment it was much worse. It lasted my whole day. The main part was about 30 minutes long and then kept loosing my breath and feeling shaky often through the day. I'll still get mini attacks if I think about it too much but yeah. 

I'm trying to help myself get out of this slump I guess and trying to grow. I hope you liked reading about my story. This is the subject of the poem in case you didn't understand. Which is very likely.

A/n: Just a BTW I am not trying to victimize myself, I wanted to share my person story to you guys. This is from my own POV so it is probably biased NGL.