Unholy Gestures

Chapter 13

 I know I should, I have to eventually. Why not do it? Why not let him explain? I'll be able to get it over and done with. Let him explain, tell him that it doesn't matter. The trust is broken and leave.

Leave him behind. In a year I can file for divorce. Only one year.

"You don't actually have to go and see him." Jax tells me. He was in the kitchen cooking dinner for us. The smell of spices wafting through the air.

"I know. But I think I have to."

"Why do you think you have to? You don't owe him anything."

"I know. I want to know why though. Why he would do something like that. How he could think that it wouldn't matter. And I want to know how long. How long I had lost him for."

"Do you really? Do you want to know and be even more hurt? You could serve him with the papers and just leave him be. Save yourself. Put yourself first. Don't let him earn his way back into your heart." He turns to face me, putting the spatula down and leaning against the bench. "A, I can see in your eyes that all you want to do is go back to him. Of course you do, you love him. You would forgive him, you would go back and never talk about it again. But your trust in him will never be the same. You would always spend your time questioning if he was at work or if he was out with a girl."

I huddle over the bench, my head in my arms. The coolness of the marble freezing my arms.

"Jax, I don't know. I don't know."

"I know that I'm not helping, but if you do decide to go you don't have to go alone."

I lift my head up to look at him, who has turned back to the food. "You would do that?"

"Obviously, I would do anything for you A," Before he could finish he was interrupted by a ringing sound coming out of Jax's bedroom. I'd had my phone on and charged for a few hours but not once had it rung. And now that Cole knew that my phone was on longer off, he would keep calling.

"That might not be him." Jax says, hopefully. I glare at him.

"Do you really think anyone else would be calling me? Claire knows I'm with you and would've called you, all of his friends would have left me alone until he has spoken to me because that's just who they are. It's a hundred per cent Cole."

"You don't have to answer?"

"Unfortunately, I am going to though." And with that I stood up from the bench and made my way toward Jax's room.

I open the door secretly hoping that the phone will stop ringing. Giving me an excuse to not answer.

Luck wasn't on my side, Jax kept his room overly clean, so the path to his charger was free.

Jax's charger was right next to his neatly made bed, my phone connected to the cord. The vibrations moving the phone slightly as it rang.

I made my way over to my phone and could see that it was a Cole calling, a picture of him lighting up the room. One that I took without his knowing when we were out. He had taken me to the aquarium in Melbourne and he was thoroughly enjoying himself while watching the seals. It showed him staring directly at a seal with his face split into a grin and a seal staring right back. When he saw it the next time I showed him my phone, he said he loved it as much as he loved me.

I picked up my phone before I could think about what I was doing, my fingers sliding across the screen, accepting the call. I lift the phone to my ear and all I can hear is silence.

He says nothing. So I say nothing.

"Addi?" He finally says after a long pause.

"Cole."

"You picked up."

"Clearly."

"Why now? Why pick up now? After two days."

"Be lucky it was only two days Cole. I wanted to leave my phone off and get a new one. Leave you behind. Someone decided that wasn't smart so I had to turn it back on." I snap angrily.

"I'm sorry." Was all he said.

"You're sorry? That's is all you have to say? That you're sorry? Couldn't think of any type of excuse other than you're sorry? Do you know how pathetic that sounds?"

"Yes, I do." He whispers.

"Then why? Tell me why." I fall onto Jace's bed, staring at his wall. Filled with posters and photos, a stark difference from Cole's bare, clinical rooms.

"I don't know. I think I just saw Kat and all of the memories of the time I spent in Greece overtook any sensible thought. I guess I just didn't think."

"So you're telling me that when you saw Kat all your old instincts kicked in? The ones you promised you had grown out of when you started dating me. You promised me, Cole, you promised me." I whisper, my vision blurring.

"Just, will you meet with me? Please, I can explain easier while looking at you. Please."

"What else is there for you to explain?"

"There is more for me to explain," He says, barely above a whisper, "please just let me talk to you, face to face."

"Why does it have to be face to face? Why isn't on a call enough? Cole, I can't look at you without hurting, hearing you now is painful." My voice breaking, the tears spilling over my cheeks.

"Please don't cry Addi, please. I don't want to put you in anymore pain than you're in. If you're not ready to see me, then don't. I will always be free when you're ready to see me. But please see me. Please talk to me face to face."

"Cole, I don't know when I will be ready. But I feel if I don't meet with you soon, I never will because I don't want to go through the pain again, I feel like I need to see you to stop the pain. One final time.

"I'll see you at six at the park just like you told my mother."

"I'll see you there." He says before hanging up.

I remain seated on Jace's bed for a while, silently crying. I don't know when I lifted my legs off the ground and wrapped my arms around them. All I could feel was the softness of Jace's doona beneath me and the sharp pain of my knees digging into my chin.

I don't know how much time had passed until Jace had slowly opened the door and looked inside. I lift my head off my knees and look up at him.

He says nothing, just walks over to me and sits beside me. He pulls me out of my curled up position and pulls me into a hug.

We just sat there. Me holding on tight, sobbing into his chest. Him holding me, whispering into my ear, telling me I would be okay.