A Queen's Pain

Ch.5

"It wasn't what I thought nor wanted"

Tuesday

"I'm at a place in life , where sleep doesn't relieve my exhaustion anymore" I confessed to Kayla as we sat eating our lunch. I was having a chicken salad which sprinkled cheese and creamy ranch which I loved. While kayla munched on a bacon cheese burger.

"I know that feeling, I just want you to take it day by day find yourself. Set goals best-friend , and write them all down & after I want you to tell me them" She instructed. I listened intently I always go by other peoples feelings & It's about time I go off what I truly feel.

"I'm lost , my emotions are just raw. I can't function properly I try to be happy but depression sets in & I don't know how long I can do this anymore" I said more talking to myself than to Kayla.

While Kayla spoke , I continued to eat "Look at me" she instructed.

"Have you been taking your medication?" She asked looking me in my eyes.

I honestly answered "No".

"Ugh Queen, I need you to hun if you haven't been taking your medication I know you definitely haven't gone to your therapist. Does your mother know?"

"Of course not, she's too caught up with Marc."
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my mom but I still need her to be a mom & she fails to realize that.

"Well, starting tomorrow you are going back and I will be talking to your mom tonight" I sighed not willing to fight.

I for one was tired of fighting, but that's all I knew how to do. The bell rung making us get up and throw away our trash. She walked me half way, then headed up the stairs to her AP Literature class. "Text me" she mouthed before directing her attention somewhere else.

I plugged in my earphones and put on some Eric Bellinger blocking the chaos, the memories weighed heavy on my heart let alone soul. I was interrupted by Raheem. Him yanking out my earphones was his way of getting my attention. Quickly he pulled me into a cut , where the stair way led to the front of the school.

"Yes Raheem" I breathed.

"What's wrong " he asked , leaning up against the wall as the distance between us stood.

Answering his question with a question "Why do you assume somethings wrong with me"

He chuckled shaking his head, "I may not have known you for the longest but-"

I cut him off "But nothing ! Just leave it at that you don't know me! I don't need you asking what's wrong with me , shit just leave me alone" I snapped , I clutched on to the strap of my side bag heading out not looking back.

The late bell rung, making me curse myself but I had spanish so it wouldn't be a big deal. By the time I got there majority of the seats were filled.

"Hola èstudiantes " Ms.Lopez greeted , I tuned her out by simply taking a picture of the assignment marked on the board & putting back in my earphones.

I pulled out 5 lose leave sheets of paper & began the task at hand using my favorite pen. After 45 minutes I was done, usually I'd put my head down but today I'd be writing some poetry, spoken word at that.

I scribbled and wrote whatever came to mind & after this what I came up with.

Its funny how, you call a nigga daddy
& shit's sweet. Watch how cold he turns
When you tell him he's bout to be a daddy.
Typical.You say you love me just to get inside these lace vicky's , & me being me I fall. I fall thinking you'll catch me. Thinking once you see me unravel, you'll caress my scars. Let alone kiss the stretch marks that make me self-conscious. When Really, you'll just get yours & bounce. It's cool though, Can't a girl Dream ?
You'll just flip like reciprocals after. But Who Am I to trip ? I knew the game to well for some reason I always fell for it anyway but guess what ? You're about to be a daddy. "Daddy"