A Queen's Pain

I was born on December 20th, 1997 and sadly I regret it everyday. My recovering crank fiend mother named me Queen, I don't carry myself as one though. Mother wasn't always a crack fiend, in my eyes she was just lost and needed something to make her feel better but who would've thought it would cause me a life of pain and heartache. I learned real fast that the streets will chew you up and spit you out.

I practically had to raise myself at a certain time, I'm 17 and at war with myself and everyone else sometimes. My father passed away when I was five years old and that's when everything went down the drain. Mom couldn't pick herself up so she turned to drugs and alcohol.

It wasn't til I was 7 years old when I had my first encounter with the monster. The monster being my mothers boyfriend. He was way to old for her but who was I to tell her that. He made her happy, and I didn't want to be the one to take that away from her.

Karen my mother called him Papi , everyone called him that because he was tall, cocky and hispanic. My mom had long hair that she wore in a big afro usually she'd hot comb it and wear it in two Goddess braids. She's always been beautiful no wonder my father pulled her, they were madly in love but after he got killed part of her died with him. Papi use to come in my room at night when my mom was sleep or passed out from the mixture of drugs and alcohol and he use to make me play with his stick. He called his manhood a stick because I guess he didn't want to be so vulgar about it. Which was always stupid to me.

Any-who, If I didn't cooperate he'd choke me and penetrate me. The penetration would always come after either way but it wouldn't be in my asshole. Who would've thought at the age of 7 I would've been taking back-shots. The first time he put his manhood in there , I screamed as if I was being stabbed to death. I was just a little girl, and from then on I cooperated and he'd use his fingers to penetrate me instead. This went on til I was about 10 years old.

I tried to explain this to my mom but I was backhanded and told to never repeat it. "He's a fucking good man how dare you dirty his name" she spoke venomously the day , I tried to confide in her. So every time we get into an argument about the boys I choose to deal with , I use those exact words. Yes she stopped drinking and doing drugs , got a job as a counselor moved us into a nice place but I needed her more than anything back then and she left me to protect myself.

It wasn't until Papi left her she opened her eyes. She should've opened her eyes when she knew her other boyfriend's would sneak in my room. If it wasn't for me she'd be in jail for all I know. I do love her so we take it day by day sometimes I shut her out completely , but other days we actually talk.

The days I shut her out completely are the days I come home late and she tries to bitch at me. I keep my grades up , my classes are all honors , so she doesn't have a right to bitch at me. I guess you can say I'm pretty , I don't see it though. Right now my hair is in a burgundy bob usually my hair is flat ironed & put into a bun , or I do bantu knots then untie them when I wake up leaving my hair in a big curly afro. I am dark-skinned but not charcoal black. I inherited my dads skin tone and I'm perfectly fine with that. I'm on the skinny side, but once the jeans come off the boys love my figure. I'm not going to try to act "pure" , I enjoy sex so I do participate in it often. I'm usually the one to hit it and quit it because at the end of the day boys aren't shit and never will be in my eyes.

I wear glasses and my teeth are perfectly straight along with having full lips, that's how I lure these boys and girls in my smile but I have been told I always look mad but once I smile it changes people perspectives. Nobody knows my story except one person which .is my Best friend Kayla , she doesn't agree with how I choose to live my life but she's always my shoulder to cry on and always has my back and I adore her for that.

I've been in love once actually but I nearly died over it who would've thought at the age of 15 , I'd be in an abusive relationship with a 19 year old male named Dre. I knew Dre was bad news but that's what drew me to him. His tattoos , the golds in his mouth, his confidence screamed I had to have him and I surely got him. We lasted a rough year together on and off. I was an emotional wreck when he'd cheat , and I'll admit it I'd beat his ass and in return he'd beat my ass. No matter how much we'd beat on each other and scream I hate you's we'd always make love to Each-other as if it was just us that existed in this sh.tty place called earth. We took our pain out on each-other which is why our relationship was always toxic. It wasn't until one day, we'd been arguing all night accusing each other of cheating , I was suppose to be home but I decided I wasn't going to go home. We ended up getting into our last physical altercation. It was our last physical altercation because I ended up having a miscarriage not even knowing I was pregnant at the time. We called it quit's after that he still checks on me and I appreciate that but sometimes seeing him brings back all the pain I hate reliving. . . As you know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

But, this is the life of Queen McCormick.