HAZEL'S POV
I just left my last class of the day and met Violet at my locker like i do every other day she smiled at me and puled me into a hug, i inhaled the scent of her perfume and took a moment to just bask in the calmness she gave me once we pulled away she gave me a small smile, she knew how nervous i was for today.
"You're going to be okay, it's going to be hard but i want you to be honest with her so she can help you okay?"
"I promise i will be Vi, i'm just nervous " i said and she nodded pecking my cheek and grabbing my hand leading me out the door of the school , momma is picking Asher up after football practice his appointment is for tomorrow.
I looked around and spotted my mom's car and Violet walked me over greeting my mother giving me a quick kiss before heading to her own mother's car.
"Hey mom" i said as i slid into the passengers seat.
"Hey bug how was school" i shrugged
"Same old ,same old i guess , where's momma and Eli?"
"I dropped Eli off at home with momma so he wouldn't get bored at doctor Evans's office" i nodded and we made our way out of the parking lot heading towards my appointment
***
We just arrived at her office and checked in and i was immediately taken back into her office she sat down at her desk and i took the seat opposite her.
"Hazel i'm glad you could make it today how are you"
"I'm good thanks for asking" i replied and she smiled and grabbed her notebook and pen.
"how's school , you're a senior this year right?"
"Yes i am and school is good a lot of work but good"
"Well it's almost over and your mother tells me your a smart girl so i'm sure you'll do great" i smiled at her compliment.
"right well let's get right to it then shall we " i nodded and she gestured to the couch and i took the hint and went to lie down while she settled on the chair behind me.
"So your mom told me about your eating disorder how's the recovery going?"
"It's gotten better, then it got worse again but it's going better again now "
"Explain to me why it got worse"
"Well after i got out of inpatient i quit the cheer team to focus on being healthy and since then i've gotten notes in my locker telling me that i've gained weight or that i looked fat in whatever shirt or pair of pants i was wearing that day and it just got to me at one point , but before it could get too bad my moms stepped in "
"Tell me why these notes bothered you so much " she said and i thought for a moment before responding.
"Well since i started restricting and binging and purging there was this little voice in the back of my mind constantly telling me that i wasn't good enough or that i didn't matter, it would vary from day to day i guess .But since i went to inpatient the voice has gotten louder and pair that with the notes of people i once called my friends it just pled up i guess"
"That makes sense but i want you to remember something Hazel , the voice will go away when it stops winning , so no matter how hard it may be fight against whatever urges you have and keep going , could you try to do that for me ?"
"Yes i could try i guess" i answered .
"Good, now i would like to talk about Danny's disappearance for a little bit is that alright"
"That is what i'm here for doc" i playfully reminded and she chuckled a little bit.
"Right , so when you found out she was missing how did that make you feel?"
"Scared, sad and angry, worried and frustrated to name a few"
"Can you tell me why you felt all these things "
"Well i was sad because my Momma went missing and we didn't know if we would ever see her again, the anger was because someone felt so little for her that they ripped her form our family in the dead of night to do god knows what to her and i was worried for her safety i thought of her everyday if she was cold or hungry if she was given enough food and water to survive and i was frustrated because nobody could tell us anything for a good few weeks when they happened to get a domestic disturbance call" i finished and swallowed the lump in my throat.
"Interesting, and how do you feel about the baby she is carrying "
"I'm excited and happy for her and for our family , four kids is a lot to handle but i know mom and momma can handle anything that gets thrown their way" i smiled at the idea of my new sibling.
"Tell me about how you've been feeling lately , and i want the truth not the half assed story you tell everyone who asks " my heart slowed she knows i've been acting this whole time .
"I'm scared " i answered shortly
"Tell me why you're scared "
"I'm scared that i'll disappoint my moms when all i want to do is make them proud i already feel like a problem because since i went away they changed their diets to help me recover, they changed their routines just to accommodate me , they are willing to do everything i ask just to see me happy and i am happy but i think the fear kind of over rules that sometimes" i sniffled and wiped my eyes with my sleeve.
"I am so afraid of hurting the people that i love again , i saw their faces when i got checked in tot he facility and had to get weighed , they were terrified that i wouldn't make it out of this and the other day when i relapsed they were just as scared my mom even cried and i hate myself for making her sad when all i want to do is make them so happy and proud that they can't stop smiling , i was meant to bring joy to their lives not pain and heartbreak and fear" i finished wiping my eyes again.
"You did good today Hazel we'll touch more on this subject next time but for now i want to ask you to get a journal and write down all the things you feel and be truthful and if you wish we can discuss the things you have written every week "
"That sounds like it could work , like i said i'm not good with opening up"
"I know but you did good , i want you to take this journaling thing seriously it doesn't have to be all the bad thoughts and moments you can write about the good ones too okay?"
"Okay" i answered with a smile
She escorted me out and mom and i made our way home , i have to admit getting all of that off my chest did feel good .
