a sky full of stars

16

‼️tw : self harm, blood

nick pov
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i walked out of stella's front door and threw my guitar on the sofa. i ran to the bathroom and put my hands on the counter. i started into my own eyes. those eyes that have seen so much. that soul that's so broken and torn. all it wants is to feel appreciated, but no matter how hard i try i never seem to be satisfied.

it's like i can't feel pain anymore. and that was the only thing that felt real in the whole relationship. the pain. the stress and the anxiety that she gave me? not a problem. but the bruises that she left behind? im never going to forget.

i remember being worried that if she saw my scars or my cuts she'd get angry and hit me even more, so i used to do it on my ankles to hide it.

by now, half of my calf is covered in scars, and i've never told anybody, even dream.

she told me i didn't look right. she told me my hair wasn't the right colour and that my eyes were just wrong. it's like she had the perfect picture of a boyfriend in her head, and i was just the closest she could find.

i was used. used like a product. she would make me pose for instagram photos and take ones of her whenever she dragged me outside.

now, i was almost 5 months clean, and i was starting to forget about it. about everything that happened. i traced over the scar under my right eye. it was so small that you didn't notice it, but it was there, and it screamed at me. it screamed at me that i was a mistake. that i'm not right. im not normal. it told me that i wasn't okay. who would like someone that's not okay?

my thoughts had taken over and an all too familiar sense of dread filled my head. my ears started to ring and almost every time she had hit me replayed in my head. i stumbled over i. the bathroom, into the bathtub. i sat down, accepting defeat. it had got to me again, after being strong for so long.

i picked it up, from where i'd hidden it when i'd used it last. the dried blood on the edge of it sent a shiver down my spine. i found it strange, how this was the only thing that managed to calm me down, when it was the thing im most scared of.

i lifted up the leg of my joggers and hesitated as i was about to bring the razor to my skin. could i do this? after being clean for so long? i was doing so well. what happened? why did i let it take over?

my thoughts were getting too much. i knew that the only way to silence them would be to cut them off. i dragged the razor through my skin. it cut deeper than usual, and the blood ran thick.

what if this was the start of another spiral? i couldn't let stella find out, that's for sure. speaking of which, i should get back to hers. she's probably finished her colouring by now.

i put the razor blade back in its spot, tucked away in the corner of my bathroom. i'd bought bandages from the store after i realised i'd ran out when i was cooking with george and dream, so i pulled one out and wrapped it around my leg. i taped the end down so it wouldn't unravel and made my way back to stella's.

i knew i needed to tell someone about maddy, i just didn't know how.

a/n
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damn okay then. i think that's enough writing for today.

i have a cute idea for a date later on in the book, but for now i actually have a plan on what needs to happen next which is practically a miracle. im just not sure what i can add beforehand because some bonds need to be strengthened pahah

ANYWAYS if you have any fluff / date / scenarios you think would be cute and fit the canon then go ahead & comment them, i'd be down to write them :)

mwah,em