In love with my husband

Scattered Emotions

Okay, so, I logged in to update and saw that I was almost at 1K and rushed back to edit the drafts I made earlier. It has been a little over a month and my absolute first book ever had 1K reads. I cannot believe this!!

Anyway, I wanted to thank you and upload 2 more chapters today. I hope you are enjoying it so far! 

You ever look at a family and think they're perfect?

That was exactly how I felt sitting in that kitchen. I felt like I was an outsider prying into someone's family. I look at Ruchika conversing with mom and dad, making the kids laugh, like she has been doing that all her life, and thought why am I here?

"Does anyone else wants Rajma?" I speak, wanting to interrupt and tell them I was here too.

Everyday said no and went back to do whatever they were doing.

"So, what do you do?" Shiksha asked Ruchika.

"I am a marketing sales director. Well, I was. I quit now." She said.

"You were a sales director in US. Why did you quit?" asked Rahul.

She was quiet a few moments before saying, "I needed a change of scenery."

They seemed to realize her ruined mood and no one said anything for few minutes.

"They can feel a random stranger's mood, but they can't feel their own family member's, their mother's and their daughter's mood?" I thought bitterly.

"You came to India after a long time. Did you see any difference?" Dad asked her.

"I haven't been out much. I wanted to rest before exploring." She answered.

"You haven't been anywhere? You said you came here days ago." Payal frowned.

Yes, please. Go somewhere and don't come back, I thought. And then felt guilty for thinking such thoughts.

"No" Ruchika laughed.

"Dad, what are you doing? I know Mom won't because she doesn't like to go outside but you, you love to travel. You guys should go visit places." Rahul suggested.

He is your son. Don't hit him. You love him even if he is a little shit. I reminded myself.

"I was busy at work. I haven't had time to go anywhere." Avishek defended himself.

"No, it's okay. I am a big girl. I can go alone." Ruchika piqued in.

Why don't you find yourself an apartment, then big girl? 

I drank my water to hide myself gritting my teeth.

"You guys should definitely go together. It's not fun alone." Mom said.

Okay, so, I was the odd man out in this house. Everyone liked travelling, I dreaded going out, they liked adventures, I liked my bed, they loved to try new things, I loved to sleep, they were outspoken, fun and smart, I was shy, boring and stupid.

Sitting in this dining table, with these thoughts in my head, I hated everyone, I hated this house, I hated myself. Why did I have to be like this? Why couldn't I be like Ruchika? Confident, smart, and beautiful.

I hated how pathetic I sounded. I was nearing 50. I should be setting examples for my kids on how strong women were, instead I was here comparing myself to my husband's ex, whining about how she fit in this family, being scared if the family wanted her instead of me.

I didn't speak anything after that. I quietly ate, even though I wanted throw-up and started cleaning the kitchen after everyone was done. They all migrated to living room, everyone curious about the new woman in the house and I was doing my usual work. To their credit, mom did tell me to leave the work and sit with others for some-time and the girls would help me later. But I wanted to be alone to gather my scattered emotions.

I cursed myself when I was alone.

Why did I invite everyone? Why do I do things I am not capable of? I wanted to be bold and show Ruchika that this is my family. I am not that person. I got insecure and possessive. I was the kind to give up if someone else likes the same thing as me. Growing up without anyone supporting me, I desperately wanted love and attention. During my childhood, I remember doing everything, helping everyone in that house in hope that someone would speak to me. I wanted validation from people.

I grew up, and then I quickly realized that I was unwanted. Accepting this, I lived like an invisible person. Then, I got married. I came to this house, mom and dad loved me. Then the kids came along, I finally had my own family. Finally, someone needed me.

Now, after all these years, a woman came in my life. The woman who was quickly worming inside the hearts of my family. The feeling which I thought had left after being married, surfaced quickly. I felt unwanted again. I felt unwanted by my own family, and this hurt because this was mine. 

Mine to love, mine to cherish, mine to scold. It was just mine. 

This sucks right?