Destiny - book 1 | Eiron (high school story)

Chapter 24 | Playing with knives

I slowly pushed out the blade from the handle. I took a shaky breath and lifted the knife up to my forearm. I dragged it along my skin. As I did I remember how much I failed. I failed my father, I let him down. Then I remembered what I did in the hospital, I told... I told them what he was doing. I started crying when I finally noticed what I did. I made another cut a little closer to my wrist. I didn't mean to do it, I didn't mean to tell. I shouldn't have told them, we were fine before. Tears began falling down my face a little more often. I cut closer to my wrist once again. What did I do? Another Mark found its way on my arm. Why did I fail him? And another. I can't do anything right. And another... I don't deserve to be happy... and another... I couldn't believe I did that. Yet another. I'm a failure. I switched arms. How could Aaron ever love me? Blood ran down my right arm as I made a mark on the left one. How could I let my father down like this? The cycle of marks appearing started up. Before I knew what was happening both of my arms were covered in cuts and blood. I started feeling light headed. "What did I do..." I was so caught up in the painful feeling of despair I didn't notice how deep the cuts I made were getting Max I started trying to wash off some blood. I wrapped one of my arms with bandages. I tried putting pressure on my other arm. My phone started going off in my room. "Please no..." The sound of the ringing echoed in my head. "I don't wanna die!" I cried trying the wrap my other arm. I got half way before I started feeling to light headed. "DAD!!!" I shouted trying to continue wrapping my arm. I fell down. There was so much blood everywhere. Why did I do this? What about Aaron? How could I be so selfish? Soon the door opened, everything was blurry so I couldn't see who opened it. Everything started going black. "No, please no." I pleaded. "I don't wanna die." I started crying trying to keep conscious. "I'm sorry." I said one last time before blacking out. I saw flashes of images. There was a ceiling, a white wall, people wearing blue clothes. Where am I? I blacked out again and woke up to the sounds of beeping. It was echoed and hard to make out where it's coming from. It sounded like it was coming from everywhere. I was cover in blood and that seemed to be the only thing I could make out in the pitch black void I seemed to be inside. A light appeared behind me and soon started consuming the darkness. I then noticed the giant heart shaped hole in my chest. Aaron appeared in front of me and I tried reaching out for him. My hands couldn't reach him and got pulled back, I seemed to be held back with shackles of some sort. My fingertips seems to be blacking. I was cold. Aaron walked up to me before leaning down to me and hugging me. He leaned back and revealed a black broken heart covered in ice. He hugged it but my hands started turning black. Aaron looked panicked and stopped what he was doing. In his chest there was a pink heart similar to the one inside the ice. He held the ice block close to the heart in his chest and the ice melted. He pushed the black heart into one piece before trying to peace it together with a bandage. There was cracks in the heart as well that he put bandaids over. With every wound he cared for one of the cuts on my body would start healing and get a bandage over it. He pushed the heart into my chest and the darkness stopped covering my arms. He held me close to him. Soon it started getting cold and he held me close to him. He put his hoodie around me trying to keep me warm. He started freezing and ice was visible on his cheek but it's like he didn't care and just held me close to him so I didn't get cold. I wrapped my arms around him to notice the shackles were gone. I held him close and his heart started breaking. I panicked and let him go. Did I mess it up? Did I hurt him? I started crying and he held me close. I tried pushing him off with fear if I tried holding him I'd break his heart. He held me close and shushed me. "Ein... please, wake up..." he said pulling back and holding my shoulders. He held my face before speaking again "I need you... please." Aaron said with tears in his eyes. I slowly opened my eyes to see Aaron holding me. He smiled "Ein!" He said happily hugging me. "Y-You scared me... I thought you were gone." He told me. I felt his tears hit my shoulder. "Please don't scare me like that again. Alright?" He held my face. I nodded and reached up to his face. He let go as I ran a finger down the side of his face. I started tearing up as I brushed his hair out of his face. I pulled Aaron in gently and kissed him gently and quickly breaking the kiss before I snuggled into his chest. "I'm sorry!" I said while tears rain down my face. "I don't know why, or how I did this but please don't feel bad." I pleaded with him. Aaron seemed shocked. "It's not your fault. I was being selfish and didn't even think about what would happen to you." I stopped talking when Aaron held me close. "It's ok Ein, I'm not angry with you. I'm just worried." He said kissing my cheek. "I'm sorry, I forgot what having hope felt like... I never really had it and never really could imagine what it could feel like." I started looking off to the side. I soon meet Aaron eye to eye. "If I didn't meet you I don't think I would've felt it either... I was so caught up in the depressing depths of despair I didn't think about you and I'm sorry. I fail you like I failed everyone else and I'm so, so sorry..." I told him. He whipped away some of my tears. "It's ok... what did it feel like?" he asked "what do you mean?" I asked. "You said you were caught up in despair, I don't know how dark or depressing it felt like and I want to understand. I want to know what you felt like so I can understand why you're upset and help you." He told me. A few other people walked into the room but I didn't care to look and focused on Aaron. "It feels dark, and alone. It feels like you failed and nobody is coming to help you. It feels like you're stuck alone in a cramped and dark area and the darkness is just eating away at your soul. It sucks and it hurts... I don't wanna feel like that again..." I told him. He held me close and I cried into his chest. Another person sat on the bed I looked over to see Jax. Aaron shifted me over to him and I grabbed onto him. "You alright Ein?" I shook my head no. Aaron started getting up. I didn't think about Jax either, or Ryder. How many other people am I forgetting? I can't even remember everyone I failed. Tears started pouring down my face and he held me close to his chest. "Shhh... it's ok... you're going to be ok..." he said calmly. This feeling is dark and cold, it's so strong to. Why am I feeling like this? I want my father back. I wanna see him. I want him to be proud of me but of course I messed it up. I mess everything up, everything is always my fault. I held onto Jax as tightly as I could. I didn't want to let go and I didn't want him to let go. I feel like I would lose him if I did. He's like a brother to me and I don't want him to leave. If I pushed him away I would never forgive myself for it. "It's ok Ein, I'm not going anywhere." He told me. "I promise I won't leave you alright?" He said calmly in my ear. I nodded "alright." I slowly drifted off to sleep. I don't think I've felt this bad before. I didn't know the feeling could get stronger and hurt more then it already did. Why am I always so wrong?