Loki My Love

18, Part 1

(TW, SELF HARM AND DEPRESSION)

The days go by like seconds and before you know it Lokis birthday arrives, he hates big gatherings as much as you but his mother wont let his 18th go without a ball,

You Are excited to be back in the dress but still annoyed that your mother tightened the corset unnecessarily, before the ball starts you go to the garden to breathe, to your surprise you meet loki there,

"Hello darling." He sounds quite annoyed but then he takes one look at you and seems much happier,

"Hi, are you ok?" You say as you sit down next to him,

"Yes, I'm just slightly stressed about- you know what nevermind, your here now and everything is fine!"

"Loki? Tell me what is wrong!"

"I just- I guess I'm a little anxious about- well us!"

"What do you mean?"

"You know how highly I think of you, I'm just worried about you not caring about me..."

"Loki! I care about you more than anything! You are my whole world and always have been"
You hold out your hand and he takes it smiling,

"I love you darling"

"I love you too Loki, now I believe we have a ball to get to!"

You walk into the ballroom full of people together and start dancing, the night flys by and before you know it you are being dragged away by your mother, you flop onto your bed indoing your corset, the night was fun but you realise it isnt midnight yet, his birthday isnt over, you rush to his chambers and climb in through the window,

He sits on his bed stunned at the fact you managed to clinb up to his room on the 5th floor,

"Hi there Loki, I'm bored so I thought I would pay you a visit!"

You're still panting after climbing up a wall unnoticed and loki starts laughing hysterically and so do you, you sit together and enjoy the company knowing you wont be allowed to see eachother unsupervised until the wedding now, you hang out until 11:49 when you decide to start making your way back to your bedroom and you wave goodbye as you jump out of he window, loki rushes to check you are ok and sees you using your razor sharp heels to scale your way down the building!

Morning arrives and you get yourself dressed and walk to the garden, you know loki wont be there because he's probably busy doing adult stuff, you are sitting at the top of the tree in a short dress that rests halfway down your shins, you are looking over all of asgard wishing you could explore it all and suddenly you feel an urge to run away, everything has been waying down on your shoulders so much you didnt realise how sad you were, you took a breath and bagan to cry thinking of how you will be confined to the palace walls for the rest of your life, how marrying loki will take away all your freedom, teh tears sting your cheeks and you feel a sudden urge to jump from the top of the tree,

This is the highest tree in the garden and you would most likely die bit you still feel as if you want to, you stop yourself and climb down knowing loki will be heartbroken if you die, only now do you realise how truly sad you are, it feels like there is a cloud over you all the time, the cold is no longer fun and you yearn for a feeling sweet as pain, you know that you cant tell anyone about these feelings so you keep your mouth shut!
The days feel like seconds and next thing you know its only 3 days till your birthday, 6 days till the wedding, you try to think posative but your mind feels like a prison, you walk to your chambers and grab a pair of sharp scissors from your drawer, you cant take how numb you feel any longer and the urge to feel something like pain is stronger than you, you sit at your vanity crying as you bring the blade to your wrists, will this kill you? Who cares, you press down and allow blood to pour all over the white wood, you reapeat this all over your arm and the tears fall onto the cuts making them sting, you smile at the relief of feeling but cant stop the tears, by the morning your arm is scared all over, you get dressed in a long sleeved dress, lucky for you it is winter so nobody will be suspicious of you, you do your daily routine, walk through the palace gardens being bored then climb somewhere really high and fight the urge to jump, this time it is a clocktower, the same one loki took you to, you haven't seen him in two months and miss him terribly, you stand at the top of the tower and dont notice loki looking up at you from the bottom, he watches as you lean forward and allow yourself to fall through the air, he catches you and sets you on the floor, you run and hug him all of your feelings melting away as you cry into his shoulder,

He holds you out infront of him,

"WHY DID YOU JUMP OFF THE CLOCKTOWER?! YOU COULD HAVE DIED!!!"

"Thats the point.." you say smiling as tears stream down your cheeks, he pulls you back in towards him and whispers in your ear,

"Dont do that again I'm here now, its ok, you dont have to tell me what happened but please, dont scare me like that!"

"I'm sorry" you dont realise that your sleeve has rolled up and he can see everything,

"Y/n whats the matter?!"

"I really missed you and I wanted to- I wanted to feel something..."

"So you tried to kill yourself?!"

"I'm sorry Loki, its all better now!"

"I dont think it is darling"

He leads you to his mother and everything is a blur, you realise that your arm is bleeding again and you collapse into friggas arms bleeding everywhere....