Friday I'm In Love

△ 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧 △

The feeling of being the anomaly, the out of place object in a well-composed painting, was foreign to him. Gerard clutched the cup of coffee to his chest, staring down at the coffee table between himself and Frank, in silence. They hadn't spoken, not one word between them, and the silence was deafening. It tore through them, sinking its claws into their flesh and bleeding them dry from the inside out. Pete had left with a kiss to his boyfriend and a cautious smile to Gerard which sent shards of ice into his throat.

"I can't... find the words," Gerard admitted, his voice raspy and course as Frank's eyes jumped to meet his. "I can't go back in time and slap seventeen year old me, no matter how much I want to, and I can't even begin to start an apology that would begin to cover the list of crimes I plead guilty to."

Frank shook his head with a smile, resting his hands on the back of his neck. "I don't want an apology, Gerard, I just want my friend back. I've missed you, for so long, and It's been fucking difficult without you here." 

"Really?" he smiled, setting the cup of coffee down on the table. "I mean you still actually want to still be my friend?" Gerard asked as the overbearing cloud of guilt took a backseat with a pink martini and a faux fur coat. He couldn't believe it, Gerard had come fully prepared for groveling and sobbing, he hadn't even anticipated that Frank just wanted to be friends. 

Could they still be friends after everything that had happened? After what Gerard now knew? Did he even want to go back to how things were before?

The memory rose from a thick saran-wrapped nightmare that Gerard had repressed to the point of amnesia, a tempting whisper luring him into a dark corner of his mind clouded with cheap beer and low-quality drugs that had mainly worn off. Gerard let himself be tempted, walking into the wall of fire like a wide-eyed ingénue from one of those romantic movies his grandmother would watch with him. Opening that door was Dorothy landing in Oz and he was terrified of going into technicolor. 

Frank, oh how stupid he was to cast him aside so easily, how beautiful he had been then. He'd smiled so beautifully, Gerard never understood how he could give away something so precious for free. He'd been so full of happiness, so excited to start his own band and live his life to the fullest, even when Gerard didn't deserve to share that with him. His Frank, with his scribbled tattoo ideas in decaying notebooks with splintering spines and faded stickers on the cover, with big ideas and ridiculous dreams. 

It was Frank who moved towards him, who kissed him, who held him so closely as if he was expensive China. It was Frank who made his head spin and lose his breath every time he got that smile. It was Frank who made him feel like he was flying and drowning at the same time. The words themselves scared Gerard as if he was writing his own sentence in blood.

"Yes! You fucking idiot, of course I still want to be your friend, even though you're an absolute asshole at times." Frank laughed, snapping Gerard out of his haze. "Are you okay?" he continued as Gerard's smile slipped and a frown replaced it. Gerard shook his head, dropping his gaze to his coffee cup and taking a sip. "Gerard?"

"I... I wish you hadn't jumped away... before" Gerard croaked as he sat down his cup and wrapped his jacket closer around his chest. "when we were at my house - after Rick's party. I wish we hadn't fucked that up as bad as we did because I really care about you and..."

Frank audibly gasped, ducking his head into his hands. "Gerard please, you can't do this, not now." 

"Then when? Frank, I have lived my whole life confused and scared and clueless but you... You, it's always you, Frank. I know you have a boyfriend, I know you're happy and brilliant now but If I don't get this off my chest I won't be able to breathe for the rest of my life. I'm not trying to get between either of you, you being happy is the best thing to come out of us being teenagers. I just wanted to tell you." Gerard said as he got to his feet breathlessly. "I'm sorry."