how it feels to be alive {tom riddle}

epilogue part three: alive

ALIVE

Lucia had once attributed the feeling of being alive to a drugged up haze where all her problems had been left in her sobriety.

But she knew now that truly living didn't mean abandoning all responsibilities and ignoring all challenges that came her way.

This wasn't to say she would lose her sense of spontaneity, but with increased responsibilities came maturity.

How it feels to be alive for Lucia was a rainy night spent cuddled up with Kasper on the couch watching a muggle film, a mountain of blankets almost suffocating them with warmth.

It was Kasper's laugh as she pushed him higher on the swing at a playground.

It was a hot shower after a hard day.

It was a dinner with friends she hadn't seen in a while.

It was a really fucking good chocolate muffin. You know, the type that is warm and fluffy fresh out of the oven, and the chocolate chips are all melty.

It was love, and friendship, and joy, and sadness, and that feeling when you realise everything that you once put so much pressure on is just a societal construct.

And Lucia fucking loved the feeling of being alive.

As Kasper's breathing slowed and deepened as he drifted into a slumber, Lucia slowly ceased her gentle strokes of his hair.

He was so grown up now, and she almost wished she had a partner to share that with.

The last straw with Tobias came about two years prior to the present time. There had been a lot of yelling, but while Tobias was at work she had packed her and Kasper's bags and left.

She knew that Tobias would have been quietly relieved to have them gone.

And now despite the fact that all Lucia could afford as a single mother was a small two bedroom apartment, she had never been happier.

It was just her and Kasper against the world, and everything in this apartment was theirs.

She owed nothing to anyone anymore.

And this was clear in the little things, like she could choose what was for dinner (even if it was ice cream with way too much chocolate syrup). She could spend the weekends in a t-shirt and sweatpants without judgement. She could sleep on either side of the bed or just starfish over the whole thing without concern for anyone else.

Life was good and she lived without regret.

Lucia slowly detached herself from Kasper and pulled the covers up more over him, then tiptoed out of the room as quietly as she could.

She got a bottle of wine from the fridge and poured herself a glass, then sat down on the couch and turned on the television quietly.

An older program was playing, an American drama with a lot of drugs and sex. The characters kind of reminded her of her younger self if she was being honest, but at least when she had come back from rehab, unlike the main character, she had stayed clean.