Pursuing Our Freedom| ✓

Kabanata 32

Kabanata 32

The thing about love; we're contented not climbing the fence and not risking our hearts yet we cannot envisaged them loving someone else.

I tried to talk to Iscalade, my chest aches whenever I remember him being with Naiara. Paulit-ulit ang scenario na 'yon sa utak ko. Paulit-ulit lang din akong nasasaktan. Parang isang pelikulang ayaw mo na mapanood pero 'yun lang ang tanging palabas sa telebisyon.

"Iscalade..." my voice trembled, hindi makatingin sa kan'ya nang diretso. "A-are you free during the weekends?"

"May pupuntahan ako, Philo." He shook his head. "Bakit? May gusto ka bang puntahan? Gusto mo hatid kita? O kailangan mo ipagpaalam?"

I sighed exasperatedly. Umiling na lang ako at nagbigay nang isang matamlay na ngiti.

"It's okay po..."

I just miss you so much. I miss hanging out with you. I miss your silly jokes. I miss playing with Issie. I miss watching movies with you. I miss you. I miss you so much, Iscalade.

And I can never say that out loud. Para akong palaging nawawalan ng boses pagdating sa'yo, Iscalade.

I never had any problem with my shyness. Kahit ilang beses na ipamukha sa akin na mas mabuti sana kung naging extrovert ako o kung mas nagkaroon ako ng kumpiyansa sa sarili. Ngayon ko lang kinasuklaman ito.

I'm losing you because of my silence and I cannot do anything about it.

Maybe this is how the little mermaid felt when the prince fell for someone else. She can withstand the pain of sharp little knives on her feet as she step on the land to pursue her prince, she can sacrifice her beautiful voice even at the expense of cutting her tongue just to be with him.

Yet, she cannot live with the fact that the prince is in love with someone else. And maybe, that's the ugly truth. It's hard to accept that the person you love is being completely, madly and truly smitten with another person.

Because that person could have been you. It could have been the both of you.

Pinipigilan ko ang mga mata ko kahit parang ang anghang na naman ng mga gilid nito. I can't cry now. Walang dahilan para umiyak ako.

My heart kept on breaking just because my mouth won't cooperate with it. Gaano ba kahirap ang salitang "Mahal kita" at hindi ko mabanggit? There's always a huge obstacle inside my throat.

Iscalade noticed the sullen expression on my face.

"Hindi naman abala sa akin," malambing niyang sabi. Pero agad siyang natauhan at tumikhim. "Best friend naman tayo 'di ba? Kaya wala 'yon sa akin."

"I'll cancel my plans for you. You don't have to cry, Philo."

Tinanggal ni Iscalade 'yung isang luhang nakalagay sa aking mga pilikmata. He offered a gentle smile as he remove the falling strands of hair in my face.

"May problema ka ba sa bahay niyo?" he asked. I gradually nodded. Kapag sa kan'ya, nagagawa kong magsabi ng mga problema ko sa bahay. I tend to keep it to myself most of the time because I don't like sharing my family problems with others. Pakiramdam ko kasi hindi naman lahat ng tao ay maiintindihan ito.

My chest tightened, that's right. Bukod kay Iscalade na unti-unting lumalayo ang loob sa akin, isa rin si Mommy sa mga iniisip ko. She's avoiding me ever since that day. Minsan ay nagpaparinig pa na nagiging pariwara na raw ako.

You can truly never judge a person's shoe without trying it on. Madali lang sabihin na sundin mo na lang ang magulang mo, pero paano susundin kung parang mali? Kung parang hindi tama? Should you still follow them?